Although I have recently settled into Domestic Bliss with The Dude (i.e. we now share a slovenly pit of mutual filth), and even though back when I was a youthful fancy free mister norette my knack for drinking people under the table rarely (i.e. never) translated into pantless below-table humping LIKE I ALWAYS DREAMED IT WOULD, I nonetheless feel that I have a tragically unfulfilled destiny as a Veritable Casanova of the Antipodes.
So that you can have the speedy, meaningless and slightly disease ridden sex that is no longer on the cards for me (since I am Faithful like a Fox to The Dude, and if you had his pants YOU WOULD BE TOO, FOR SURE), I have compiled a list of Getting it On Hot Spots of Melbourne:
1. Percy's Bar, Carlton.
The men are old and drunk, but my god are they willing. Their short stature and arthritic stoop also means that they're often at eye level with your sumptuous cleavage, and they're not too coy to point it out. Saucy devils.
2. 27+ night at The Saloon Bar, Ringwood
There's no experience quite as romantic as hurling enthusiastically in an eastern suburbs gutter, knowing all the while that even though your slinky Suzanne Grey top is all stained with regurgitated midouri, the man who's holding your hair is still prepared to take you home and request anal. Hey, middle age isn't so bad, after all!
3. Frankston RSL, Pokies Room
Let's face it, all that inserting of objects into slots and feverish pulling of levers makes for a MOTHERFUCKING HOTBED of simmering sexual tension.
4. My Former Housemate's Bedroom, North Carlton
Motherfuck, that girl was a whore. She saw a lot of action, but.
And if these TRIED AND TRUE places de SEXNESS don't get your pants smeared with strange semen...
5. Outside a brothel. Any brothel.
Stop the punters on the way in and offer it up for free. Even if you're gruesomely ugly, surely noone's gonna say no to a bargain like that.
Get out there kids. Live the Dream.
xoxox nora
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