Do you sometimes feel as though life is getting on top of you?
Like you’re being pushed to the limit, too busy to breathe?
Well, as a reader of this fine publication, you’re in luck!
Here at Cremated, we’re offering our readers exclusive access to a fantastic new product: mister nora’s very own “HOMECOOKED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!”
For just $99.95 RRP (+postage & handling), each lucky purchaser of this fabulous offer will receive our entire selection of:
- FEAR
- SELF LOATHING
- PANIC
- ALIENATION, and
- QUIET DESPERATION!
As if that weren’t enough, purchase “HOMECOOKED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN” today and we will supply you AT NO EXTRA COST with your very own set of:
- Weeping
- Songs from the period 1994-1998 (OH, YOUR LOST YOUTH!)
- Low Level Anxiety
- Alcoholism
- Foetal positioning, and
- EXTRA FEAR!
You are 100% guaranteed to lose 40kg of marbels in A MATTER OF WEEKS with MISTER NORA'S HOMECOOKED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!
Here’s what one satisfied customer has to say about mister nora’s HOMECOOKED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN:
“Before I tried mister nora’s Homecooked Nervous Breakdown, I was so happy and stable it almost ruined my relationship with my husband. I was always very organised, efficient and successful…I tried all kinds of personality disorders, mental illnesses and substance abuse, but nothing worked! There I was, wealthy, in a great job, with a loving family, some beautiful dogs and a terrific hairstylist – it was as if no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not screw my life up.
"Then one day in the back pages of Beagles in Peril Magazine, I saw an ad for this wonderful product, and since then my life has totally turned around! I now live underneath a trailer in a swamp, my kids have all got herpes, my parents have died in suspicious circumstances, I’m suicidal and I’m making a living my selling beans by the side of the road. I could not be more of a basket case!!
"You know, I never thought that this could happen to me, but it did - thank you, mister nora!”*
- Mrs L.J.Finkelstein, Sacramento, C.A.
All these terrific experiences could be yours! But remember, this offer is available for a LIMITED TIME ONLY! So get in quick to ensure you don’t miss out on this wonderful opportunity for that PERSONALISED INNER TORTURE you’ve always wanted!
CALL TODAY!!!
You'll never look back.
xoxo nora
* results may vary.
2 comments:
Dear Mister Nora
Do the Kits come in the size 'Enormous Like A Fucking Aircraft Carrier Where The Aircraft In Question Are Smaller Aircraft Carriers'.
Kind Regards,
IOYC Death To False Metal
Dear IOYC,
I am pleased to advise that Homecooked Nervous Breakdown can be purchased in sizes bicycle, sedan, truck, aircraft carrier and WELL FUCK ME, BRO, THAT'S A MASSIVE FUCKIN AIRCRAFT CARRIER YOU GOT THERE, FOR REALS, and for an extra $19.99 you can even Upsize your HNB to category "PLANETARY"!
This special deal includes not only the usual fear, loathing, panic, etc, but also comes fully equipped with "FUTILE YEARNING AND MERCILESS DESPAIR".
IT GETS BETTER! Buy two sets of mister nora's HNB (Planetary Edition) within the next hour, and you and a friend will each receive a 100% FREE membership to the Northern Territory's own Country Liberal Party!!
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS UNBELIEVABLE OFFER?
xoxo nora
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