So I'm applying for this "job" thing this month to distract myself from Studying the Knowledge and to improve my Cash Situation (currently rated: "troubling, very troubling indeed"). I was shocked to learn recently that apparently these so-called "employers" want to "interview" me before giving me the position! The nerve of these people!! Those cunts should be eating out their own vaginas/applying science/blackmailing family members to get me on the team. That is what I wrote them in my application letter, anyhow. Obviously they weren't paying sufficient attention, LAZY CUNTS.
Anyway so in preparation for the big day, I have gone on the internet looking for tips and advice. Apparently "desired behaviours" that employers look for include:
"Adaptability Communication-Oral Communication-Written Control Analysis Attention to Detail Decisiveness Delegation Development of Subordinates Energy Entrepreneurial Equipment Operation Insight Fact Finding-Oral Financial Analytical Flexibility Impact Independence Initiative Innovation Integrity Judgment Leadership/Influence Listening Motivation Negotiation Organizational Participative Sensitivity Management Planning and Organizing Practical Learning Presentation Skills Process Operation Rapport Building Resilience Risk Taking Safety Awareness Sales Ability/Persuasiveness Sensitivity Strategic Analysis Teamwork Technical/Professional Knowledge Technical/Professional Proficiency Tenacity Training and Work Standards."
Like, blah blah, fuck, blah. NOWHERE do they mention "Acoholism, Eccentricity, Big Hair, Greed, Knowledge of Big Brother, Neighbours and Deal or No Deal, Slovenliness (IT'S NEXT TO GODLINES, derr!), Idleness, Misanthropy, Unbridled Rage, Tendencies to Violence, Poor Credit Management, and Talents of Swearing, Blowjobs and Hypochondria."
I worry that my multiple skills and disabilities will be overlooked in the venomous snakepit of birthday suit ambition that is the "group behavioural interview". This is traumatic and damaging to my emotional and mental state because HOW WILL I BUY THE DUDE A YACHT WITHOUT A JOB? [selling drugs/winning tattslotto/going on big brother/stealing/etc]
Life is just so hard. Sometimes I just want to give up and end it all/eat soup.
xoxo nora
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2 comments:
Dear Mister Nora
Please don't hurl yourself in front of a Jeep, the World needs heaps more fucking Knob-Ends (good) to make up for all the fucking Knob-Ends (bad).
Why don't you just get a job punching Plants? They fucking suck and need to be punched (Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, etc).
Kind Regards,
IOYC Clam Bake Cook-Off
Dear IOYC,
Thanks for your kind message of support. You have given me hope for the future (of punching plants) and as a result I have turned off the oven, flushed the pills and also sold the Jeep. There is still possibility of a hanging, but minimal.
Things could be worse; I could get a job and then have to work, like, EVERY DAY ("ewwww!").
xoxo nora
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