An Inconvenient Tooth

Man, lately I’m just feeling too fucking happy to blog…What is up with that, and is there some kind of anti-anti-depressant I can take for this shit? [“nurse, please get me to a psychiatric hospital ASAP, I can no longer cope with this terrible joy that blows through my soul like a sharp blast of wind from a frozen tundra, destroying all in its path”]. [Do you like how I can even complain about having nothing to complain about? THESE ARE SOME SERIOUS TECHNICAL SKILLS YOU ARE WITNESSING HERE, DUDES]

Incidentally, I have recently discovered that my house, aka the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth, is actually a “Tundra.” The first inkling of l occurred to me when I read on this site that a tundra is “the coldest of all the biomes.” [FOR REAL? THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY COLDER THAN ALL THE OTHER BIOMES? UNBELIEVABLE!!]

My suspicions were fully confirmed when I went on to read that the Tundra “is noted for its frost-molded landscapes, extremely low temperatures, little precipitation, poor nutrients, and short growing seasons. Dead organic material functions as a nutrient pool.” READ BETWEEN THE LINES DUDES: I AM LIVING IN A MOTHERFUCKING TUNDRA!!

Let me elaborate:

“Characteristics of Tundra/mister nora’s house:
1. Extremely cold climate
2. Low biotic diversity
3. Simple vegetation structure
4. Limitation of drainage
5. Short season of growth and reproduction
6. Energy and nutrients in the form of dead organic material
7. Large population oscillations “

CASE CLOSED.

I’m just not sure if my house is an Arctic Tundra, or an Alpine Tundra. See, the fact that “a layer of permanently frozen subsoil called permafrost exists, consisting mostly of gravel and finer material. When water saturates the upper surface, bogs and ponds form, providing moisture for plants” suggests that the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth is totally Artic in its Tundraness. However, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I noticed a kind of large number of pikas, marmots, mountain goats, sheep, elk, grouselike birds, springtails, beetles, grasshoppers, and butterflies just like, wandering around in the laundry, which made me think hold on, baby, AM I ACTUALLY LIVING IN AN ALPINE TUNDRA? THIS IS INDEED AN ECOLOGICAL DILEMMA, WHERE IS AN ATTENBOROUGH WHEN YOU NEED ONE.

I suspect this conundrum may only be solved by an alchemy textbook and maybe some vodka cruisers. I will get to work.

xoxo nora