Are you going to San Francisco?

Cos I recommend it; it's got Television/stately dudes requesting monetary gifts on the sidewalk/etc/basically everything you could ever need. Last night a chubby teen walked by offering "spankings for a dollar! spankings for a dollar!"; I told her she needed to join a union and she spanked me (free!)...I am clearly in the spiritual home of the Free Market, have to watch out not to express my communist leanings/Desire to Emancipate the Common Worker from the Chains of Capitalism Through a Combination of Peaceful Sit-Ins and Large Scale Guerilla Violence etc. On the plane they made me fill in a form which asked various salient questions along the lines of "Are you seeking to enter the United States for the purposes of commiting terrorist activities or activities involving moral turpitude?" and "Are you on the run from the International War Crimes Tribunal?" and "Are you carrying any mould species/mushrooms?" and "How do you get your hair to look so voluminous and shiny all at the same time?" and "Is that a Fox in Your Pants or are you just Happy to See me?" and so on. Anyway, point is they clearly have a HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED method of sniffing out reds/towelheads (ie STEP ONE ask dudes if they are red/towelheads STEP TWO if they say yes, get out bazookas etc") so I am feeling a bit nervous cos I voted for Steve Bracks and he is both LEFT LEANING and OF LEBO DESCENT. I FEEL LIKE BONNIE & CLYDE (with less Clyde).

I'm here for a while, kind of sans innerned so will probably not be posting very regular or nothin. But I'm trying to take note of Colourful Locals and keep my eye out for Amusing Anecdotes so I can return and publish a bestselling type collection of Meaningful Travel Experiences/Personal Awakenings/Erotic Adventures/Descriptions of Various Dental Equipments of the World and so on. Basically I will be the next Bill Bryson only probably with more "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKER" type dialogue and I will try to be more embracing of Racist Generalisations, because who doesn't love a Racist Generalisation?? (clue: "no one")

Ok so news from the California is that:
- the "World News" on the ABC network does not run any stories about anywhere except America; meaning that IT DIDN'T EVEN COVER THE AFL FINALS/TRAFFIC CONDITIONS ON THE MONASH FREEWAY, making me think Channel 10's News at 5 with Saucy Helen Kapalos is clearly a finer purveyor of "Actual News" than any of the product they develop over here.
- dudes here are obsessed with a) traffic conditions (HOW IRONIC! [see above]) and b)toned athletic bodies, meaning that I am obviously a huge hit what with my sculpted abs/toll-free 12 lane freeway.
- dudes here CANNOT GET ENOUGH of my Steve Irwin impersonation
- The Dude has an even better impersonation along the lines of "CRIKEY IT'S A FUCKEN STING--."
- dudes here were not fucking kidding - Arnold Schwarzenegger REALLY IS the governator!!!!!!

Do you see how well I am soaking up local traditions/quirky cultural characteristics. IT'S LIKE I AM KOFI ANNAN.

"WTF are you talking about, bitch?"

I don't really know, but surely that is all part of my kooky freewheelin charm.

"No."

Noted.

xoxoxox nora