I don't.

So me and The Dude are going to this wedding in a few weeks (I struggle to say ‘The Dude & I’; makes me think of ‘The King & I’ and I totally do not wish to attend a wedding with Elvis P, basically cos I don’t like to hang out with dudes who have bigger hair than I do, also apparently he is totally “dead”! So not hot.). The wedding thing is pretty hardcore; The Dude has to give a speech, and I have to sit around and get hammered. Man, my life is so hard sometimes.

Anyhow, no offence to the hitched/hitching types amongst you, but I really don’t understand why anyone gets married in the first place. I can only think of reasons why NOT to get married, e.g.:

1. Princess Diana got married and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

2. If you take the “i” out of “married”, you get “marred”, as in “MY LIFE WAS FOREVER MARRED BY MY TERRIBLE UNION TO A TEETOTALLING ACCOUNTANT.”

COINCIDENCE? I think not, my brothers.

3. If you take the M, A, R, R, & I out of “married” and replace those letters with D, I, S, E, M, B, O, W, E, & L, you get DISEMBOWELED, as in “I HAVE JUST DISEMBOWELED THE NON-DRINKING BEAN COUNTER, I THINK YOU WILL AGREE HE DESERVED IT.”

COINCIDENCE? I think you already know what I think, my brothers.

4. White dresses remind me of Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman reminds me of murder/suicide.

5. The thought of having to insert “my husband and I” into sentences makes me kind of queasy, e.g. “Yes, ho ho ho, that’s truly quite amusing. Reminds me of that time in ‘64 when my husband and I were in Portsea at Fee’s little holiday pad, and our darling little dog Maxwell, god bless his poor departed soul, kept humping the neighbour’s rabbit! Ho ho ho! Little fiend! And you know I found out later my husband was humping the neighbour! And Maxwell too! And the Rabbit! Oh ho ho ho! No wonder the poor little thing was confused! Ah, Portsea. Those were indeed the days. Would you pass the binoculars? Thank you, thank you my dear, very kind.”

6. Sin is a totally cutting edge place to be living in; in fact it is almost as cool as Northcote (I said almost). Marriage, on the other hand, is more akin to Burwood, and dude, really, who wants to live in Burwood.

7. If you want to trap someone into loving you 4 evs, I say try being lovable. Pretty crazy, I know, but according to recent ABS figures this works way better than a voidable contract. Otherwise you could do what I do and just beat your partner into submission [nb slightly illegal, but on the plus side, cheaper than a wedding].

8. If me and The Dude got married, he would have to change his name to “missus nora” & I suspect he would not be fully down with that.

9. I am quite sure any sprogs I have will be complete bastards, otherwise it just won’t seem right.

10. Britney Spears got married, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.


If you ask me, that’s ten pretty solid reasons to baulk down the aisle.

xoxo nora