So yawl know that my baby (and in homage to Le Bowski let's call him The Dude) went to the States for three weeks recently, leaving me adrift in a sea of liquor and pussy.
That was totally fine and apart one brief fit of pique about midway through when I might have shined a cat's arsehole or two with his Best Tie and sent a (full) dog's bladder to his parents' house with "Dear mum, please accept this Top Quality Semillion Sauvignon Blanc, love The Dude" scrawled across the front in black nail polish, I actually didn't resent his little holiday whatsoever. I am totally Noble and Good in that way and I have had many men comment that they wish their lady friends were more like me. Anyway.
Since he's been back there's something different about him. It's hard to pinpoint what's wrong but the other night he ejected Sloginski from the laundry without so much as a "hey slug, if you don't stop coming on to the bar lady/talkin that offensive dago russian shit on your portable telephone/eyeing off other slugs' tenticles in the urinal/etc I'm gonna have to kick your ass to Jupiter! achtung!" style warning.
Sloginski was just havin a quiet night with a few pints and a stick mag underneath the washing machine. Like, The Dude was acting like he was just some no name slug off the street. The Dude has also failed to mention the EMPTY VOID that is the bathroom and my heart after the disappearance of Claudie. Not ONCE has he said "hey mister nora where's that six legged floozy who used to stay over drinking all our gin and talking us into late night trips to the pokies?"
I'm beginning to worry that the Amerikins have replaced his thumbs with robot thumbs and that somehow that's destroyed his ability to relate to the bohemian intellectualism of the neighbourhood insects. I've been watching his thumbs while he sleeps and I am almost 100% sure that they are occasionally omitting low frequency Blink 182 tunes.
Anyway, it could just be jetlag, but I will be keeping a Sharp Eye on the situation. Those 'merikins don't know who they're dealin with.
xoxox nora
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