If I had my way...

Matthew McConaughey would be kidnapped by a fan who would express their undying love for him by sawing his testicles off with a small cheese knife and then sewing them into his eye sockets. After kissing him passionately, the fan would then sigh and murmur "if you love someone, Frederick, you must set them free", and proceed to let Matthew loose in a deserted area of Albania so that he could stumble around blind and bleeding until he tripped into a sewer full of cantankerous wasps. He would survive their vicious stings for weeks and think himself saved by a passing Albanian farmer, only to die moments later of sudden infant death syndrome.







Jessica Alba would be thrown into the depths of depression after boyfriend Cash Warren admits cheating on her with Queen Latifah. Little Jess turns to beer and meat pies for comfort, stacking on 293kg within 3-6 weeks, and in the midst of her wobbly grief she forms a strong friendship with Britney Spears and K-Fed which involves wild nights of drunken pingpong and regrettable group sex leaving them each feeling sore and vaguely embarrassed in the morning. Jess then turns to God and briefly finds fame as an evangelical preacher on an obscure and soon-to-be-bankrupt cable network, before she is convicted of fraud, embezzlement, and gross indecency in a public place and subsequently imprisoned for 16 years in a low security Florida jail.

Due to the threat of international terrorism, government rationing leaves Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman deprived of all mirrors, dental floss and hair products for an indefinite period or until the coming of the great apocalypse. Intensifying their woes, in the same week both Who Weekly and New Idea feature front page photos of the pair with captions including “Stars with Cellulite!” “Hollywood’s Faux Marriages Exposed!” and “Aussies? Like, sooooo three seasons ago”. They spend the next 4 years doing bi-annual interviews on Rove Live where they swear their love for eachother is true, then fade away into obscurity until in 2019 they again make the news when Nicole is charged with slaughtering and eating Keith in the manner of a German cannibal.

That's all for now.

xoxo nora