Legally a Midget?

Fuck, bros. Despite earlier claiming that 'reports of my death are grossly exaggerated' etc it seems that those reports were FAR MORE ACCURATE THAN INITIALLY PRESUMED. I am at home with THE ILLEST ILLNESS OF ALL TIME; it's a pretty sad story but essentially what happened is that I ordered for my limbs to be sawn off in the dead of night and replaced with BIONIC LIMBS that would mechanically enable me to Effectively Fight Crimes in my Ill Fated Quest for Justice (or whatever), only it seems my cosmetic surgeon fucked up bigtime with this shit as my new bionic limbs are made of BAMBOO and are about as fucking useful as a sack of rats. THANKS A MILLION, DR 90210. I am baking up some tort(e)s as we speak so I can slam Dr Nine Oh in the face with a (low)CLASS ACTION in PROFESSIONAL NEGLIGE.











Eat my torts, motherfucker.


Basically, I am feeling a lot less like this Bionic Woman:
























"Yes, yes I DO fully endorse the Mister Nora School of Hair."


and a lot more like this bionic woman:
















"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL UNREALISTIC ROLE MODEL FOR IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG WOMEN!"



Still, despite the Illness, I made a commitment, and this week MISTER NORA SAYS YES TO RELIABILITY. As a result I am dictating this blog to the cats from my death bed in order to bring you the promised WEEKENDE ROUNDE UPPE. I must warn you it may be long and nonsensical as I am poss suffering from delirium OF THE BRAIN. In case you are wondering, this is much, much worse than delirium of knuckles/glutes.

1. FRIDAY NIGHT

Friday night was pretty much a journey into the darkest, most perverse reaches of the contemporary suburban psyche, i.e., I went to a Foot Ball. It was a lot like other Balls I have attended only with less Satin Frocks and also THE BEER WAS LITE. I won't even attempt to express the depths of my horror. Still, it was a pretty good excuse to yell out "KILL HIM" and "GO PUSSY" and "SUCK SHIT SUCK SHIT SUCK SHIT!!!" in the presence of some small children. I recommend it - you might discover your inner banshee, get touched up by the common man, etc etc. IT CAN'T ALL BE BEAT POETS AND WUTHERING HYATTS YOU KNOW.

After the Ball we went to a Delightful Venue full of scrubbers and balding drunks. HOT. There was an awesome band on though so we watched that, and then afterwards made up for the not-beer at the Ball by getting steadily hammered with the lead singer like the DESPERATE GROUPIES sophisticated adults that we are, and then stayed up smoking and ranting in our kitchen until some hour much later than is recommended by your dermatologist. TSK.

2. SATURDAY

Clearly, this began with a hangover. What followed is a bit hazy but involved a "COMPETITION OF PIE", to which The Dude took a Vegetarian Pie, which was SCORNED by the slavering carnivores. FUCK YOU, SLAVERING CARNIVORES. The Dude's pie was totally delicious [NB: no double entendre intended], and I feel he was fully justified in telling the Pie Judges after they had failed to Award him Medals that the pie they had just eaten and scorned was SEASONED WITH URINE and STIRRED WITH PENIS. They took it on the chin. <--also not a double entendre.


3. SUNDAY

HIGH VIBES. I have not been to this event before and was expecting basically a heap of shit. It was actually Fucking Awesome, and if I knew any positive words except 'Awesome' I would describe it as those things also.

[OH WOES, BEING AN EMU EMO SPOILS YOUR VOCABULARY SO.]

We saw several Bands, and those that fell under the category of "AWESOME" include: Johnny Got His Gun, Touch Typist, Charles Jenkins & the Swedish Cowboys, and Wagons. Highlights were a Swedish Cowboy's Gram Parsons haircut, the supernaturally lanky washboard player from Wagons busting a rap, and the lead singer from Johnny Got His Gun, who The Dude described as 'Taxi Driver does American Idol as Axel Rose'. Yes.

Falling under the category of "HIGHLY IRRITATING" was the non-attendance of The Commas, the unfortunate attendance of Martin Martini, and the large number of Dancing Ferals who became particularly prominent as the day wore on into night:


















"Hi! We're Ferals! Our hobbies include discarding our shoes, rubbing poo in our hair and raping your retinas with our crazed leaping funky moves!!


I embrace my fellow man, I really do. But I'm telling you now, brothers, I will draw the line [and possibly also a gun] at a dancing feral. STANDARDS MUST BE MAINTAINED.



xoxo nora