Drugs? NO WAY!

I've been having some down time re the blog, known in more literary circles as "drunk time", but as of today I have had 2 (TWO!) AFDs in a row, and also am now a bona fide Non Smoking Gun. I am good and clean like a morally righteous fox, you bet. I do not even have a butter menthol under my belt (I have heard on the Grapevine that it in fact is Cockey Slang for Ethanol, who would have thought!), nosirreebob, I am facing the Horrible Sludge of Humanity with nothing to shield me but my contact lenses and a glass of diet lime cordial.

And you would never have guessed it, my friends, but the healthy and Incandescently Pure state of my Liver/Lungs/Soul is all thanks to a visit from my friend the Roach!

On Sunday, while Sleeping in a Bed, I was stirred into wakefulness by the gentle touch of a single Claw scratching at my eyelash. The Claw was tapping "mister nora, mister norrrrraaa" out in morse code, which was quite sootheful until it started saying "mister nora is a SNORER", which shook me back to the Terrible School Camp Episode of 1991 (GOD, IT STILL HURTS) and my eyes snapped open like a duck.

CLAUDIE! SITTING ON THE BED! Offering me a cup of DECAFFEINATED TEA!

She had snuck her way in to the house, making a Complete Mockery of our JamesBondVillain-Style Security Network, and it turns out that all these weeks, these months, when I have pictured her lying under the bridge at Flinders Street Station, high on Crack Cocaine and Mortein, when I have pictured her lost and addled and nude and unable to find her way home, little Clacky Claudie, once my greatest Drinking and Stripping Buddy, has been in a CENTRE FOR ROACH REHABILITATION and GENERAL GOOD HEALTH for PESTS OF ALL KINDS.

And now she is back, clean as an iceberg, and she thinks she can lift me up to her level. I am sceptical, but out of Loyalty to our long friendship, I am trying out this "Sobriety" thing for a short time. Sloginski thinks I am a fool, and right now I am inclined to agree with him.

We'll see how things turn out; if by Friday night I have not stopped wanting to Kill Myself, I intend to give Claudie a Bath in my Martini and bring her back to the fold.

xoxo nora