You've been fondled.

Things have been a bit weird around here lately. You see, I have recently come to suspect that The Dude is possibly - oh, fuck, it's hurts my gracious mortal soul to say this - I have come to suspect that The Dude is possibly Not a Virgin.

[I won't name the monster who smeared this APPALLING NOTION all over my previously unsullied Moral Respect for The Dude, but I will say that he is an 8 legged gay narcissist who speaks French and lives behind the toilet.]

[Just when I thought I'd convinced the household insects to finally shut the fuck up, I run out of antipsychotics let my guard down for an instant and it's all tentacles this and multi-legged that all day fucking long. SHAREHOUSING IS SO FUCKING HARD IN THE GAY NOUGHTIES.]

Anyhow, my growing suspicion has totally lead to much fretful tossing off and turning in the early hours of the Morning, basically I have been stuck in a perpetual state of 'Holy Shit' in case Jeezy finds out and totally fails to sanction our Joyful [common law]Matrimony.

"OH, WOES!!"

Ya well it was totally woe x 1 million up until I made the bold move of conferring with the traditional source of Spiritual Guidance, and found out how to deal with this distressing turn of events.

Basically, I have found the Ultimate Oracle of CarnalBible Knowledge + FAQS!! And it straight up gave me the answer to my quandry:

Question:

What is the importance of choosing a virgin for a wife? From what I've read in the Old Testament, this was of paramount importance. If a man found that his bride was not a virgin, and he "detested her," he could have her put to death.

ANSWER:

...The keys in picking a partner is are they a Christian, are they trying to live a holy life, and are they the one that God has called us to marry? For what she looks like, and whether she has ever kissed another man, or been fondled or has fondled, or is a virgin or not is not really as important. Remember once a person (male or female) has been "born-again" and washed clean by the blood of Christ, then Christ declares them clean, and they are completely clean! And let us not declare someone unclean that God has declared clean...

YOU FUCKIN BET I WON'T!! I have ordered some Blood of Christ off the internets like straight off and am currently running The Dude a Bath: PROBLEM SOLVED.

Good fortune doesn't end there though. This site is fucking BRIMMING WITH HELPFUL KNOWLEDGES! E.g.:

Questioner
Who was the oldest person in the Bible and how old was he when he died?

Answer

The oldest person in the Bible was Methuselah at 969 years, then later God lowered the average life span to 120 years, and then even lower to our current average of 70 to 80 years--and this because of the increasing wickedness of mankind.

OMFG I have been wasting so much fucking time on good hygiene/green leafy vegetables etc. Like, I don't mean to be rude and shit, but DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT SHORT LIFE SPAN, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER 9 CENTURIES PLS PS I PROMISE NOT TO COVET ANY MORE ASS K THX BYE.

Other points of particular interest which may reward further study include the answers to the following insightful questions:

Question :
Do dogs go to heaven? My lab of eleven years recently passed away from cancer and this is important to me. Is there not a passage about how God created the dog to be a companion to man?

Question:
Can a career in the "arts" make for a godly career and life-style?

Question:

Are angels masculine in their nature, they have masculine names such as Gabriel and Michael. Also why does the Bible quote God as "He"? Can you answer these questions?

Question:

Would you happen to have verifiable proof regarding the committee of Lesbians that were working on the NIV?

Question:

I have a question about a person who seems to be suffering from some sort of demonic possession. Do you think it is possible that the iniquity of the parents can be part of the reason why they are being tormented?

Question:

Last night on the Discovery Channel they told of people who make phone calls from the dead, if they had a cell phone placed in their coffin when they were buried. Is this true?

I could go on - this site is a total goldmine of Bible Related Advice.

Here is some un-Bible Related Advice: MAKE IT YOUR HOMEPAGE IMMEDIATELY.

xoxo nora

new rules for celebrity head?

Something I'm really not understanding today is why rooting Ralph Fiennes would result in a lady getting fired. Is this what our new industrial relations regime is all about?? I mean seriously, that kind of customer service should be rewarded with promotion/special meals! She was doing Qantas a fucking favour [literally].

Dude had paid for first class, after all. That extra $4,000 or whatever must go towards some kind of special privileges, and if those special privileges involve an ex-policewoman with mental health issues and no regard for sexual hygiene, WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE JUDY. Also, if Qantas want to come (HAHA) down hard (HAHAHA) on inflight sausage disposal they should refrain from referring to staff as 'hostesses';fuckin may as well call them 'oriental masseuses with complete relaxations for western gent yes forty dollar special deal full service just for you, sir!', like for reals, bros.

You know, this reminds me of this one time when my friend Gilldo and I were enjoying the unique delight of the senses that is the Long Haul Flight on Egypt Air (DO YOU LIKE THE SOUND OF ELDERLY ARABS COUGHING UP PHLEGM AND SPITTING IT INTO POTS? I KNOW I DO!!!) (DO YOU ALSO LIKE THE HEADY SCENT OF CHEAP CIGARS MIXED IN WITH A RARE AND SPICY FLATULENCE IN A CONFINED SPACE?? BOOK YOUR FLIGHT TODAY!!!!), and Gilldo was actually invited 'backstage' to get bizzzzay with an alluringly surly Egyptian Flight Attendant. Bizarrely, she turned him down - and this was even BEFORE we had worked out that Arabs are Monsters who Hate Our Freedoms and Democracies!! Clearly she did not attend the Ralph Fiennes School of Sexual Opportunism.

"OMG, CAN I ENROLL RIGHT NOW? I HAVE PAPERS."

Sure, but it's expensive and may involve sex with his less attractive younger sibling. Your call, babes.

xoxo nora

i've made it.

I am Please to Announce that according to Sitemeter Research Bureau, Cremated is now coming in the TOP TEN google search results for the following phrases:

1. freky porn (NUMBER ONE!!!)

2. why is mycunt hairy (6th)

3. glugging from inside vagina (3rd)

4. mean dwarves (3rd)

5. floozy sing a gram (2nd)

6. grouselike birds (6th)

7. hate samantha brett (3rd)*

8. picture of absalom on a mule (3rd)


Now you can all say you knew me BEFORE I was famous.

xoxo nora

*after seeing this I tried Samantha Brett is a fuckwit : NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now I die happy

Nice Dream

In the interests of being less "Predictably Hateful" about everything I thought I would make a list of some things that I actually fucking like:



1. Prayerbabies. Although they haven't been updating their site thingy they are still playing about town. That Ian Birdwheel is a motherfucking genius.


2. Sleepers Publishing. The laydeez at Sleepers totally give good Almanac. Also, their Salons are "Alcoholic Friendly" which suits my Crazy Bohemian Lifestyle.*


* right now not actually crazy. or bohemian. or a lifestyle.


3. Bill Henson. His photos make me want to violate copyright LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

Dear copyright police: please don't arrest me? I will kill your grandmother/apply for adjournments.


4. Not Chicken
:

Dear SoyBased Chicken Substitute: I HEART YOU!! can I please also eat you kthnxbye.

...

...

...

Man is this being nice about shit BORING OR WHAT.

xoxo nora

The one I spent watching you shower.

Woah so working life is apparently taking up heaps of my time what with all the "Memo: Re: How Big is My Desire of Weekend? VERY." and "Wistfully Recalling My Lost Youth While Learning All About Spinal Injury" type shit that goes down.

I have been keeping pretty busy of an evening too, doing things like going to see Various Bands, eyeing off their leather pants and thinking "Hey, why don't I quit The Man and become a Rock God so I can lay around snorting coke and getting tattoos all day long, how hard can that be, fuck I am born to do that job, where do I sign up, what is the annual leave entitlement in that shit, is international fame is going to be tough, when will I get to bang Kate Moss, questions questions, I better update my CV" etc & so on.).

I also saw Barry Humphries last week who was a totally Nasty Piece of Work, also funnier than a motherfucked motherfucker. Somewhat disturbingly there is an installation at the Arts Centre of Edna Everage's house which looks pretty much IDENTICAL to the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth that The Dude & I live in. WHY AM I NOT A 1950s HOUSEWIFE WITH TEN KIDS, A KNACK FOR BAKING AND A RELIABLE SUPPLY OF HORSE TRANQUILLIZERS. I was totally born too late.

Also in the last week I have caught up with a number Old Friends. My average conversation starter is "DO I APPEAR DIFFERENT TO YOU NOW I AM A SOULESS DRONE OF REGULATIONS?" and they have generally been unconvincingly reassuring, especially since I have also had several Random Encounters with people who I went to high school with who say shit such as "mister nora! What are you up to these days - you look like a lawyer!!" which generally leads to me Punching Them in the Face

Oh and finally in this AWESOMELY EXCITING update of the goings on in my life, I went to a Wedding yesterday.

Dear Cunts: FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCKING STOP HAVING THESE FUCKING WEDDINGS.

Also, if you ARE going to have a fucking wedding could you please not fucking sit me at a table with a bunch of girls whose personalities can only be described as "Bubbly" and whose boyfriends all look like Amateur Rapists. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHO ARE MAD ABOUT SPORTS.

Also, Dear Bubbly Fuckwits At Weddings: please do not ambush Black Hearted Misanthropes by coming at them with a motherfucking Video Camera, shining a fucking Nuclear Powered Spotlight in their eyes and demanding that they come up with some kind of On the Spot Message of Goodwill for the Happy Couple on their Special Day.

Next time this happens, I will scratch your motherfucking eyes out and/or steal your hollywood tape fo' realz, bitchez. FO' REALZ.

xoxo nora

Like, tell me about it.

Hi, I'm nora but you can call me mister nora if you like, I'm new around here. Oh yes I'm loving the job, it's great, you know, because I love the law, really love it. Would you like to speak in latin about technical questions of petty dispute and shit all day? ME TOO!! Amazing. I guess I was just born with a love of thinking heaps about whether someone is allowed to put up a fence or not, you know, for some of us it's really a calling. And God, don't you think it's so great that we get to wear suits like, all the time? If I could wear maybe ten or eleven suits at once I would SO do it, I like wearing them that much. Like, right now it's Saturday afternoon and I totally wish I was wearing my favourite "Dour Black" or maybe that sweet little "Grey Polycotton" number, I just find the grey really brings out the colour of my eyes and skin and shit. It's so - what's the word? - expressive, you know, of my inner world. Wearing grey suits is now pretty much my favourite thing ever. Except getting out of bed, maybe; getting out of bed is just awesome! HA! HA! HA! I love mornings so much I could literally die of it. The sound of my alarm going ding-a-ling-a-ling in the morning like a flirty little birdy just brings a sort of ecstatic joy to my heart, and my stomach starts getting all like "HALLO!! IS THIS ECSTATIC JOY FUN OR WHAT! CAN I JOIN IN??"...it's like I'm so fucking full of intense happiness that I kind of feel like throwing up? And sometimes also I just feel like screaming out loud with the happiness of it all. Haha isn't that funny. Huh. What's that? Oh...yeah no, sure, I guess some people might say that I've just "given up" all "hope" of leading an "interesting" or "creative" life and that now I'm just about "making money" and "waiting to die". But you know, do THOSE people have the kind of AMAZING white goods that I plan to put a downpayment on as soon as the Massive Dollars start rolling in? HAHA I don't think so. And like I've been thinking lately, would spending my life getting hammered and sleeping in and writing stories about dead people going boating and doodling away on my piano and annoying my cats and working a fuck easy job with really lovely people and reading Who Weekly and ranting on to The Dude all day really be that great anyway?

Not nearly as great as a Big Fat Bucket full of Cold Hard Cash! HA HA!!


xoxo nora