Is it getting tepid in here?

I don't know if you've cottoned on to this already [ARE YOU SHARP LIKE A FOX?] but up until now I have not exactly been a Total High Achiever in my life, at least not in the Style of Sports Heroes/Media Magnates/Jennifer Hawkins. Given my 'LITERALLY UNBELIEVABLE' natural talents, I put this down to the simple fact that so far in life I have not really committed to success.

See, instead of like, buckling down to EARN COLD HARD CASH DOLLAR and SUPPORTING THE FASCIST POLICE STATE BY CONTRIBUTING TO GDP/RISING CONSUMER CONFIDENCE/etc, I have spent most of the last 27 years doing shit like lying half dressed in someone else's clothes on my greasy kitchen lino drinking Yalumba straight from a cask and singing along with Blondie songs circa 1979 (WOAH-OH, OH-OH, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?) while my cockroach buddies play poker on my distended torso [or similar]. This has been fun and all, but it hasn't really meant 'Worldly Success' has come at me like an acrobat shot out of a canon....or whatever.

All that is about to change.

You see, on Monday, I start my dreadedexciting new job as a COCKSUCKING SELL OUT WHORE TO THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX Grown-Up-Adult-WithOut-a-Drinking-Problem, NosirreeBob, I-Can-Take-Vodka-or-Leave-It-You-Bet, BUT-THANKS-FOR-YOUR-CONCERN, SIR, Type of Professional. In preparation for this heinousimportant event, I have been researching Pyschological Techniques of Motivation. This has taken a bit of time, like I have investigated shit as diverse and inspiring as Anthony Robbins CD Packs, K-Mart Staff Manuals, Bert Newton's Hairpiece, and the Rise and Rise of Lara Bingle.

When it came down to it, though, I really couldn't go past the simple yet awesome philosophy of renowned international 'Brain+Muscle Combination', Fiddy Cent:

"[INSERT GOAL HERE], OR DIE TRYIN"





You have to admit, it's pretty awesome.

So I guess the only point of this post really is to warn you that by next week I will either be 'dead' or 'adult'. My bet is on 'dead'/minimum of coma.

Well, it's been fun bros.

xoxo nora

je ne regrette rien, or some shit

Phew, so I have finally escaped from the clutches of Crazy French Pigdogs; those fuckers know how to make life difficult/capitulate in wars/write a menu with no vegetarian dishes on it like NOBODY'S BUSINESS [on the upside I have now learnt to survive for weeks in the wild with nothing to eat but delicious crepes. SOME CALL ME THE JUNGLE WOMAN.]

[Some call me "cuntface"]

Anyway, am now totally hiding out in a Bangkok Hotel, eating chillies and generally fáiling to see sights/heed DFAT travel warnings. Dudes, I live for thrills. Yeah I have been swimming in the pool and watching cable TV with basically NO REGARD FOR MY OWN SAFETY/THE SANCTITY OF HUMAN LIFES.

You might think I am reckless and foolish in this way, but FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, if that's what you think then you're basically the moral equivalent of the UPTIGHT POLICE CHIEF WHO WANTS TO TAKE DIRTY HARRY OFF THE STREETS.

"Go ahead DFAT, make my day"

Sometimes what you need is a renegade, know what I'm sayin. And YOU CAN THANK FUCK that this particular renegade is ''loaded with STACKS AND STACKS of courage/testicles" because it has lead her [me] to discover that the ABC Network over here shows Stingers re-runs like TWICE A DAY. This is pretty much the most fucking awesome news I could possibly report, because although I may not have alerted you to this before, TOO MUCH CHURCHIE IS NEVER ENOUGH.

"Churchie [right] with random whore"

Seriously, with this killer combination of "Tropical Weathers" and "High Quality Police Dramas" I should totally move to Bangers like for evs.

xoxo nora

what is it mister nora?

OMG it's my new COLOUR TEMPLATE, that's what it is!! Is it the highest motherfucking tech you've ever seen OR WHAT, motherfuckers.

"WHAT."


SHUT your FACE!


"SUCK SHIT"


FUCK THAT, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU SUCK SHIT!


"NO, YOU SUCK SHIT"

etc.

xoxo nora

this space for rent.

So I was doing a google search for myself the other day [and NO I'M NOT ASHAMED, I KNOW you do it too, and YES, I'm looking at YOU, Gary Simpson], and I found out that a while ago the awesome Christine Keeler, who should really have her own blog, suggested to Larvatus Prodeo that they add me to their blog roll. So the dude came over to my site, checked it out, and pronounced it 'Not Sufficiently Concerned with the Motherfucking Realness', The Realness being 'The Politics of Lands'.

At first I was totally like WTF, Nobody Deals with Big Issues Like mister motherfucking nora. I mean sure they do a nice job covering La-Di-Da Local Issues but do you see Larvatus Prodeo reporting on the fucking Threat to Civilisation as We Know it that is the Rats of the Sky/Aggressive Squirrels/Seals of Wrath? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

However after like, a number of hours/weeks spent gnashing teeth, renting hair [mostly The Dude's] and howling to the moon etc, I experienced what my Doctor termed a 'grand mal seizure', although I personally prefer to call it an Epiphany of Self Realisation. Dudes are totally right, there is Not Nearly Enough Talk of Rights for Darkies/How Much Andrew Bolt Sux and so on on this blog.

So GET YOUR BRAINS OUT KIDS, cos here is my first ever round up of World Events and shit, divided up into Colours to make for easy reading and comprehension:

1. War: Pros - money spinner for The Man; Cons - Distracts from Sports.

2. Democracy: Pros - better than Kingdom of Heaven; Cons - humans are pretty dumb.

3. Women: Pros - tits; Cons - Getting Uppity.

4. Australia: Pros - is not as full of Krauts as Germany is; Cons-not enough areas suitable for dog sledding.

5. Justin Timberlake: Pros - broke up with Cameron Diaz; Cons - went out with Cameron Diaz.

6. God: Pros - fullsome beard; Cons - wears togas.

7. George Bush: Pros - speaks English; Cons - Friends with God.

8. Daryl Somers: Pros - retired; Cons - came out of retirement.

9. Private Schools: Pros - boating opportunities; Cons - blazers.

10. Droughts: Pros - The Dude likes deserts; Cons - I prefer desserts.


Woah, are you happy now Larvatus, cos my Brain is Really Fucking Sore. THANKS A MILLION.



Let this be a lesson for like, four or five of us.

xoxo nora

a thing or two about love.

HEY PUSSYCATS!!!!!

















"What up, bitch?"



GUESS WHAT! I'LL BE HOME IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!!




















"...whatever."

OMG GOD I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!! WE CAN PLAY SCRABBLE AND WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!!!!!

"Just be sure you is packin some duty free Friskies and a cask of Yalumba's finest, ok bitch."



LIKE, OF COURSE!!!!!!! THIS IS GONNA BE SO AWESOME LIKE I CAN'T WAIT, I TOTALLY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU, IS THIS LIKE EXCITING OR WHAT!!!!!!!!! AREN'T YOU GLAD I'M COMING HOME???

"I'm thrilled."



OMG ME TOO!!!! LOVE YOU GUYS SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOXOX



















"..."

xoxo nora

NEW YEAR REVOLUTIONS

In 2007 I intend to:

1. Imagine Some Shit.

2. Get a Sled of Dogs [+dogs].

3. Devastate Jesus.

4. Rape a plant.

5. Read some blurbs.

6. Drink less Not Wine.

7. Purchase some Physical Features.

8. Enter a World of Pain.

9. Pull more Bongs.

10. Eat more rats.


[11. Fail in Revolutions.]


xoxo nora