Thursday, November 30, 2006

Then Absalom fled on a mule

For a few moments tonight I was under the impression that Bananarama had vowed to overthrow the Fiji government by noon tomorrow.

I was also under the impression that a woman had been busted performing indecent acts on a horse in northern NSW, and WORSE, that Samantha "Motherfucking" Brett was taking a stand against gender stereotypes; unfortunately in these cases there was no dyslexia afoot.

After such unsettling items, I thought I'd relax by spending some time checking out my favourite fashion related site, which totally responds to the need "for women and girls to return to principles of modesty and femininity — to truly dress like women of virtue and principle".

Some women of virtue and principle:



































"Fabric styles and patterns include denims, floral prints, mini prints, corduroy, flannels, plaids, checks and poly-cottons."

"AWESOME! I HEAR JESUS LOVES PLAIDS, CHECKS AND POLY-COTTONS."



If are not fully understanding of Modest Fashions, please refer to this site:
"Modesty for the women means to cover the body. There are clothing which cover the body, but are also immodest. Dresses that are too tight are immodest, even if they are a cape or a jumper.

"EVEN IF THEY ARE A CAPE OR A JUMPER? NO FUCKING WAY."

"I've always been blessed by sisters whose dresses were long. I think a safe guide is if they are at least half way between the ankle and the knee."

"OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT, MY SISTERS DRESS LIKE HOS. SOMETIMES EVEN IN TIGHT CAPES. WHAT AM I TO DO BUT FUCK THEM."

There is also some awesome advice on that site regarding wifely submission/curing of rebellious teenagers, basically way more wisdom than you could ever possibly imagine being all in the one place, with a lime green background colour.

"MORE WISDOM/LIME GREEN THAN I CAN HANDLE?"

Could be. Maybe best to just trawl for horse related porn instead.

xoxo nora

Feliz Navidad?

So I haven't been blogging much mainly because I have been way too fucking busy:
(1) watching cable tv; and
(2) catching buses with drug dealers.
My life is both full and fulfilling.

I now have less than a week left in lovely San Fran, which completely breaks my big gay heart. Speaking of which, we saw Evan Dando play last week; previously I have not been fond of him but that was before I realised he was "EXCRUCIATINGLY GOOD LOOKING"- full points for hotness, the man can wear bangs like nobody else.

EXHIBIT A:







Other shit that been tootling down the street round these parts includes seeing new work by Phil Collins................................NO NOT THAT PHIL COLLINS, "THIS ONE"...........................at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. Turkish kids doing Karaoke to The Smiths' album "The World Won't Listen" = fucking awesomeski.

In other breaking news, we have moved from our palatial apartment in The Hate and moved to a hotel room on the edge of the Tenderloin, which is also palatial if by "palatial" you mean "tinier than frog balls". The neighbourhood also is maybe a little down at heel, basically most of our interactions with locals go like this:

Random Homeless Dude: Yo man, Can you spare a dollar for a nigga jew?
Me + The Dude: No/Yes.
Random Homeless Dude: Fuck you motherfucker/How about two dollar.

Yeah I'm gonna miss this place; homeless dudes in Australia got nothing on their colleagues in the Greatest Nation on Earf.

I received my final results ever for "VILE DEGREE OF LAWS ETC" today; basically dudes at Law School were all like "WTF HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO AWESOME/INSIGHTFUL ABOUT LEGAL ISSUES OF OUR TIME, ALSO THAT BITCH HAS ATTITUDE OF THE GODS". Those kids will be totally sad [suicidal?] to see me go [OBVIOUSLY], but not as sad as I will be to farewell the many [nb: "0"] beautiful friends I have made during my studies. When you are looking for Awesome Humans, I'm tellin you bros, look no further than your local Law Faculty; those places are total hotbeds of Sweetness, Humility & Goodwill of all Kinds.

"THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, CUNTFACES".

OK, The Dude & I have an appointment with America's Next Top Model/Similar High Quality Viewing, so will see you laters bros.

xoxo nora

Sunday, November 19, 2006

FEEL THE WRATH OF THE BABY SEAL

This whole adorable animals on the fuckin rampage in the San Francisco Area is really messing with my head;

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE MOTHERFUCKIN WATER, etc, latest monster =













"Hi everybody! My name is Pompom! I love spinning balls on my nose/killing your children!!"



Seriously bros, this is freaking me out.

xoxo nora

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Terror Alert: Promiscuous Scarlet

WWIII "THE MOVIE"

SCENE ONE:

[Dude is chillin]

[Suddenly...]















Rat Of The Sky: "TAKE THAT, STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

Dude: OMG, LOL, is it the apocalypse, this event was totally not scheduled in my blackberry, like basically, WTF dudes, etc.


SCENE TWO:

[Another town, same day...]

[Dude is chillin]

[suddenly...]









ROTS: I FEEL LIKE STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT TONIGHT! LIKE STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT TONIGHT!! AHAHAHAHAAA!!

Dude: [softly]Woah...like, Don't cry for me, Argentina...LOLZ...*dies*




SCENE THREE:






GB: Yo, Top Agent, I need yer t'git back here, like pronto. Dick says the Avians of Evil situation is getting 'Fucking Serious'.
















TOP AGENT: FUCK YOU GEORGE I'M ON HOLIDAY.

GB: FUCK YOU RIGHT BACKATCHA, TOP AGENT.[slams phone down]

[Cut to shot of TA running on beach, poss in bikini?]


SCENE FOUR:











ROTS: "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."


SCENE FIVE











[Faure's Requiem plays while camera pans over ruined city]



SCENE SIX

[Somewhere in Asia...]














TA: (sings) As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive...

[Audience boos]

TA: Fuck this shit I'm getting back to work.


SCENE SEVEN

[TA has infiltrated Secret HQ of ROTS, We Built This City on Rock n Roll plays in background]











TA: Hey Brothers, Together we can work it out!

ROTS: [conferring] Dude seems reasonable.

TA: BTW do you think I resemble a young Kevin Federline in this outfit?

ROTS: LOLZ, TOTALLY RHETORICAL QUESTION BRO!!!

TA & ROTS: [High fives]


SCENE NINE










GB: We have struck a deal with the Terrorists!

ROTS: Together we can live in Perfect Harmony!

GB, Dick, ROTS & TA sing "We are the World" to fade; Sean Penn/Bono dance in background.












Bono: How awesome is like, world peace!!

SP: Like, totally!!!!!!!

SP & B: [High Fives]


THE END




[Credits Roll]












CODA





GB: Suckers.






K the script probably still needs some work but I think it shows promise.

xoxo nora

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Halp us Jon Kery










"

WTF is this?"

I'll tell you WTF it is, bros. IT IS COLD HARD EVIDENCE OF AGGRESSIVE SQUIRRELS.









"Getcho Nigga Ass Outta My Motherfuckin Town Square, Yo, or I Blow U Up Like U Is One Fucked Up Exxxxxplodin Motherfuckin Acorn, YO!"







'











"Yo Kim Jong 'Totally' Ill, Please direct me to my next Human Target. Also, do I not resemble a middle aged Elizabeth Taylor in this outfit? [rhetorical question]"














"Dudes, our military products contain at least 5% Democracy and 13% Freedom=please desist with your tiresome complaints."


















"Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh."




For more Evidence please consult this site. In particular Squirrel tributes to Jon Benet Ramsay and Steve Irwin are especially Touching of The Heart/Inciting of EXTREME FEAR OF SQUIRRELS, although Possibly not quite as much as the memorial of Petra Nemcova during the Boxing Day Tsunami.

WTF.

xoxo nora

Friday, November 03, 2006

Bee Star Nirvana

Man, this last week or so has been pretty fucking exhausting. You might not be aware of what's been going down...........................................IF YOU LIVE IN A BEEHIVE, THAT IS, A BEEHIVE FULL OF SHIFTY FUCKING BEES WHO DON'T TELL YOU FUCK SHIT BECAUSE YOUR PARTICULAR FUCKING COMMUNE OF BEES HAS TOTALLY CUT ITSELF OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND YOUR GREAT QUEEN BEE IS PROBABLY AT THIS VERY SECOND PLANNING HER ASCENDANCE TO SOME FUCKING BEE STAR NIRVANA OR SOME SHIT BY ROUTE OF COERCIVE MASS SUICIDE/SACRIFICE OF VIRGINS/LAZY BEES ETC, LIKE I'M REFERRING TO MORE OF A CRAZY FUCKING 'CULT OF BEES' THAN YOUR MORE TRADITIONAL 'YEAH MAN LIVE AND LET LIVE BUT DON'T BOGART THAT REEFER BRO' STYLE OF 'HIVE', IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT, AND I THINK YOU DO. Anyhow guess my point is that unless you are in a Cult of Bees, you have no fucking excuse for not being aware that Late October is pretty much FESTIVITY SEASON with like 10 million of my favourite holidays basically exploding all over eachother like the products at Thrifty Car Rental's Baghdad Airport Division.

Things kicked off with the fucking molten hot "Austria Day" on October 26, followed up by a less ostentatious but still intensely happening "Czech Republic Day" (October 28), which as usual lead on to the Climactic Climax that is "Turkey Day" (October 29), I'm telling you it was pretty edgy shit bros, and like that's not even mentioning THE BIG ONE>i.e. October 27, which is of course Day of St Vincent and the Grenadines - AND NOT ONLY THAT SHIT MAN BUT ALSO TURKMENISTAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!! Only thing I love more than Turkmenistan Independence Day is Turkmenistan National Melon Day and Turkmenistan National Horse Day. That type of Good Times is almost too much fun for one puppy to gnaw at, I'm telling you right now.

Anyways plenty of dudes might have been discouraged from engaging in further Good Times after a week like that, but that's not me, man. So when it came to this 'Halloween' shit they were having here in the 'US and A' the other night, I totally decided to go to the Heart of the Action, i.e. WHERE THE GAYS ARE AT. So come Halloween me and The Dude stride down to The Castro, hoping for general extreme decadence/babylonian wild times etc. As it turns out there were like 2 million people there but HARDLY ANY GAYS. Fucked up shit, man, fucked up. Obviously The Gays were having a private party elsewhere, fucking sly cunts.

Anyway, the Castro made up for the Lack of Gays by fully providing a VERITABLE SMORGASBOARD OF COCKTARDS, a whole heap of MILLING ABOUT, and also a full quota of GUNFIGHT with bonus stabbings. By the time that shit was stirred up though, me and The Dude had retired to the safety of a Bar, where we drank a fucking freight train of these, then drank some more of them, and then when we went home I gave The Dude an Unbelievably Stellar Fucking Hair Cut with some paper scissors, which was all WELL AND GOOD until I woke up the next day feeling like this, only a lot worse...so basically with the benefit of hindsight/wisdom I should have just stayed for the gunfight, and maybe not had so much to drink. Guess you live and learn.

Anyways after a week like that today I had to sleep til midday then stare at some cats for a while. Totally soothing...hopefully I will be fully refreshed by the time my next Official Engagements wheel round - notably including Thanksgiving Day (Nov 23, Laos), President Tubman's Birthday Day (Nov 29, Liberia), Perioperative Nurse Week (Nov 12-18, USA), etc. Fuck, bros, I need a holiday (from holidays).

xoxo nora