The only thing different, the only thing new

Man when this blog gets turned into a big budget BBC Television Production ["critics are calling it 'Enchanting!' 'A sure fire Oscar Contender!' 'Hotter than Dancing with the Stars!'"], the episode covering Late October 2006 will probably be pretty slow going. I will try to attend to that problem right now with an update on all the most amazing things going down over the last few weeks:

1. OK biggest news of all is that The Dude did something I've been hinting at for him to do for like, 10 million years now, something extremely special and important and life changing and romantic and intense and...well, you know, like, the best thing a man can ever do for a woman.

Yep, I think you know what I'm getting at.

"Did The Dude perform unnatural sex acts with his meat gun, mister nora?"

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M GETTING AT. Jesus fucking christ, do I have to spell like EVERYTHING out???

"Maybe yes. Maybe no."

Man, do you kids play your cards close to your motherfucking chest or what.

Anyhow, point is:

THE DUDE BOUGHT US TICKETS TO MORRISSEY!

I am now in his debt for life, man. This is something money/blowjobs can never repay.


2. On a sadder note, I totally failed to get us tickets to the Jesus Alive Coffeehouse Open Mic Christian Talent Night; I have yet to break this to The Dude as he is often like a Hare with a Sore Bed in the mornings. Trust me you do not want to see his 'Operation: Shock and Awe' style of tantrums when his desire to go to Open Mic Christian Talent Nights gets thwarted.

3. We spent some time living on a golf course, which was pretty awesome/refreshingly free of golf.

4.The Dude and I found a really sweet pair of "Young Americans" and totally flummoxed them with a Single White Female style of Attack...it was pretty intense there for a while but to cut a long story short, we are now living in their cool Haight Ashbury apartment, reading their large collection of Classic/Quality Modern Fiction, leafing through their mail and mainly just hanging around jivin with their cats....Yeah when those poor bastards wake up in a Storage Container on a plane flying direct to Downtown Estonia or some such shit they aren't gonna know what hit em. Suckers.

5.My BBQU classmates, who I suspect were totally jealous of my success with skewers, marination and so on, spread the word that I am into Morrissey, leading to my early expulsion. I'm not too fussed, I mean like, whatever bro, that shit was too fucking esoteric for me anyways, like where was it ever going to get me in the Real World? I'm going to re-enroll in the School of Hard CocKnocks.

So basically, moral of the story is that Steve Raichlen can suck my fucking cock.

xoxo nora

Sometimes second best is all you're gonna get.

So homies in case you're wondering what's beening going down in da hood lately, basically round these parts its all "HEY JUDE, DON'T MAKE IT BAD", "YOU'RE MY CHERRY PIE, TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY", "SOME SAY LOVE IS LIKE A RIVER" etc.

I have been as busy as.....someone with not a whole lot to do.

Still, I'm not totally wasting my time. I have totally decided to use this sabbatical to TRANSFORM MYSELF, DEVELOP MY INNER PEACE, WATCH APPALLING TELEVISION, and basically, to LEARN HOW TO BE A WINNER, NOT A WHINER!!!.

You see, bros, according to Gary Simpson:



Winners attract people to them like bees around honey. They have infectious personalities. They stand out in a crowd. They are people to be reckoned with. They are dreamers, planners and achievers. Winners have conquests in their minds. They talk about opportunities, projects and the future. Winners smile.

Whiners repel people like a bad smell in a confined space. They have poisonous personalities. They too stand out in a crowd but for opposite reasons. They find it difficult to hold conversations because people find them tiresome. Whiners have conflict in their minds. They criticize, deride and ridicule others. Their favorite topics include rumor and innuendo. Whiners scowl.



According to Gary's categories my currently diagnosis is TOTAL WHINER. Evidence of this includes:
1. My doctor tells me my personality is more akin to Marfan's Syndrome than to the Black Plague, I.E. MORE HEREDITARY THAN INFECTIOUS.
2. MY FAVOURITE TOPICS ARE RUMOR [sic] AND INNUENDO.
3. I am scared of bees, I DON'T EVEN CARE FOR HONEY.



Luckily Gary has a totally dynamic and psychologically tested method for changing my appalling whining ways:



wear a small elastic band around your wrist. Whenever you say or think something disingenuous, uncomplimentary, rude, abusive, negative or self deprecating, stretch the elastic band out and let it sting your skin. You will find that after a while you will begin to change your ways.

"THAT SOUNDS HARD, GARY. MY WRIST IS GETTING BLOODIED AND RAW."





Then why don't you also purchase my snippets of Zenspirational Wisdom!!!

"MY HAND JUST FELL OFF, NOW I AM LEFT WITH A BLOODY STUMP."



There's a simple solution to that, mister nora! Put a small elastic band around your elbow...."

"I BETTER WIN CASH PRIZES FOR THIS, GARY."



How about a miniature bust of my head?"



"AWESOME!!!!!"


xoxo nora

BREAKING NEWS

"MOUNTAIN VIEW DECLARES WAR ON AGGRESSIVE SQUIRRELS."

My sources inform me the Squirrels are totally in cahoots with the "THE RATS OF THE SKY".

THIS IS WAR PEOPLES. WAR.

xoxo nora