So in case you have been concerned that what with my intense Vacationing Abroad/Viewing of Colon(ie)s Etc I have given up hope of bettering myself through the Pursuit of Heaps of Knowledge, I'm telling you now bros, DON'T BE AFRAID [OF THE STORM OR INDEED OF MISCELLANEOUS OTHER THINGS INCLUDING SHEEP/CHICKENS/LEATHER BROGUES/LICE/ETC].
I have lately enrolled myself at none other than the Highly Esteemed 'Steven Raichlen's BBQ University'. This place is the shit, I have totally learned more than I ever thought I could about barbequing of all kinds. Favourite classes so far include "402: The New Face of Beef" and "408: Extreme Grilling" (100% more awesome/life threatening than Regular Grilling, I am not kidding).
I can hear you ask, "HOW DID YOU FIND THIS SHIT, YOU ARE ONE RESOURCEFUL MOTHERFUCKING LADY OF THE KNOWLEDGE". Well, yes I am. You see, on the Television yesterday I learned that Steven is One of The Most Trusted Faces in Barbequeing in America, due to his many "Firey Recipes" as well as his "luxurient facial hair." Right away I knew I was on to something AWESOME so I signed up at his BBQU Straight Off, i.e. without a second to waste.
Today I joined the Poultry and Game Sorority at BBQU which has involved certain amounts of Consumption of Chickens/Sexual Humiliation, but it has totally been worth it because once I graduate (current estimate: 3.2 weeks/several years) I am going to invite all my Sorority Sisters over for the Sensational Graduational Thanksiving BBQ of none other than mister nora BA (Hons) LLB (Hons) BBBQ (Poultries) 34EE (Tits)*. We can all stoke our BBQs and stroke our beards (facial) together: it will be like those infamous KFC Christmas Parties of the 1980s, only heaps more Educated/hairy. Steven Raichlen will obviously be the Guest of Honour; I am considering requesting he perform his special secret Vegetarian Spit Roast Dish, but first I will need to find a reliable Kosher Vegetarian Slaughterhouse, there are many Jews in my sorority (I will look in my Lonely Planet for listings and keep you Updated on Developments of All Kinds).
Tomorrow I learn about "BBQ From Soup to Nuts". My life is being enriched in more ways than I can count (i.e. over seven) and I highly recommend you purchase the DVD .
xoxox nora
* Tits not guaranteed.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Are you going to San Francisco?
Cos I recommend it; it's got Television/stately dudes requesting monetary gifts on the sidewalk/etc/basically everything you could ever need. Last night a chubby teen walked by offering "spankings for a dollar! spankings for a dollar!"; I told her she needed to join a union and she spanked me (free!)...I am clearly in the spiritual home of the Free Market, have to watch out not to express my communist leanings/Desire to Emancipate the Common Worker from the Chains of Capitalism Through a Combination of Peaceful Sit-Ins and Large Scale Guerilla Violence etc. On the plane they made me fill in a form which asked various salient questions along the lines of "Are you seeking to enter the United States for the purposes of commiting terrorist activities or activities involving moral turpitude?" and "Are you on the run from the International War Crimes Tribunal?" and "Are you carrying any mould species/mushrooms?" and "How do you get your hair to look so voluminous and shiny all at the same time?" and "Is that a Fox in Your Pants or are you just Happy to See me?" and so on. Anyway, point is they clearly have a HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED method of sniffing out reds/towelheads (ie STEP ONE ask dudes if they are red/towelheads STEP TWO if they say yes, get out bazookas etc") so I am feeling a bit nervous cos I voted for Steve Bracks and he is both LEFT LEANING and OF LEBO DESCENT. I FEEL LIKE BONNIE & CLYDE (with less Clyde).
I'm here for a while, kind of sans innerned so will probably not be posting very regular or nothin. But I'm trying to take note of Colourful Locals and keep my eye out for Amusing Anecdotes so I can return and publish a bestselling type collection of Meaningful Travel Experiences/Personal Awakenings/Erotic Adventures/Descriptions of Various Dental Equipments of the World and so on. Basically I will be the next Bill Bryson only probably with more "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKER" type dialogue and I will try to be more embracing of Racist Generalisations, because who doesn't love a Racist Generalisation?? (clue: "no one")
Ok so news from the California is that:
- the "World News" on the ABC network does not run any stories about anywhere except America; meaning that IT DIDN'T EVEN COVER THE AFL FINALS/TRAFFIC CONDITIONS ON THE MONASH FREEWAY, making me think Channel 10's News at 5 with Saucy Helen Kapalos is clearly a finer purveyor of "Actual News" than any of the product they develop over here.
- dudes here are obsessed with a) traffic conditions (HOW IRONIC! [see above]) and b)toned athletic bodies, meaning that I am obviously a huge hit what with my sculpted abs/toll-free 12 lane freeway.
- dudes here CANNOT GET ENOUGH of my Steve Irwin impersonation
- The Dude has an even better impersonation along the lines of "CRIKEY IT'S A FUCKEN STING--."
- dudes here were not fucking kidding - Arnold Schwarzenegger REALLY IS the governator!!!!!!
Do you see how well I am soaking up local traditions/quirky cultural characteristics. IT'S LIKE I AM KOFI ANNAN.
"WTF are you talking about, bitch?"
I don't really know, but surely that is all part of my kooky freewheelin charm.
"No."
Noted.
xoxoxox nora
I'm here for a while, kind of sans innerned so will probably not be posting very regular or nothin. But I'm trying to take note of Colourful Locals and keep my eye out for Amusing Anecdotes so I can return and publish a bestselling type collection of Meaningful Travel Experiences/Personal Awakenings/Erotic Adventures/Descriptions of Various Dental Equipments of the World and so on. Basically I will be the next Bill Bryson only probably with more "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKER" type dialogue and I will try to be more embracing of Racist Generalisations, because who doesn't love a Racist Generalisation?? (clue: "no one")
Ok so news from the California is that:
- the "World News" on the ABC network does not run any stories about anywhere except America; meaning that IT DIDN'T EVEN COVER THE AFL FINALS/TRAFFIC CONDITIONS ON THE MONASH FREEWAY, making me think Channel 10's News at 5 with Saucy Helen Kapalos is clearly a finer purveyor of "Actual News" than any of the product they develop over here.
- dudes here are obsessed with a) traffic conditions (HOW IRONIC! [see above]) and b)toned athletic bodies, meaning that I am obviously a huge hit what with my sculpted abs/toll-free 12 lane freeway.
- dudes here CANNOT GET ENOUGH of my Steve Irwin impersonation
- The Dude has an even better impersonation along the lines of "CRIKEY IT'S A FUCKEN STING--."
- dudes here were not fucking kidding - Arnold Schwarzenegger REALLY IS the governator!!!!!!
Do you see how well I am soaking up local traditions/quirky cultural characteristics. IT'S LIKE I AM KOFI ANNAN.
"WTF are you talking about, bitch?"
I don't really know, but surely that is all part of my kooky freewheelin charm.
"No."
Noted.
xoxoxox nora
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
An Inconvenient Tooth
Man, lately I’m just feeling too fucking happy to blog…What is up with that, and is there some kind of anti-anti-depressant I can take for this shit? [“nurse, please get me to a psychiatric hospital ASAP, I can no longer cope with this terrible joy that blows through my soul like a sharp blast of wind from a frozen tundra, destroying all in its path”]. [Do you like how I can even complain about having nothing to complain about? THESE ARE SOME SERIOUS TECHNICAL SKILLS YOU ARE WITNESSING HERE, DUDES]
Incidentally, I have recently discovered that my house, aka the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth, is actually a “Tundra.” The first inkling of l occurred to me when I read on this site that a tundra is “the coldest of all the biomes.” [FOR REAL? THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY COLDER THAN ALL THE OTHER BIOMES? UNBELIEVABLE!!]
My suspicions were fully confirmed when I went on to read that the Tundra “is noted for its frost-molded landscapes, extremely low temperatures, little precipitation, poor nutrients, and short growing seasons. Dead organic material functions as a nutrient pool.” READ BETWEEN THE LINES DUDES: I AM LIVING IN A MOTHERFUCKING TUNDRA!!
Let me elaborate:
“Characteristics of Tundra/mister nora’s house:
1. Extremely cold climate
2. Low biotic diversity
3. Simple vegetation structure
4. Limitation of drainage
5. Short season of growth and reproduction
6. Energy and nutrients in the form of dead organic material
7. Large population oscillations “
CASE CLOSED.
I’m just not sure if my house is an Arctic Tundra, or an Alpine Tundra. See, the fact that “a layer of permanently frozen subsoil called permafrost exists, consisting mostly of gravel and finer material. When water saturates the upper surface, bogs and ponds form, providing moisture for plants” suggests that the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth is totally Artic in its Tundraness. However, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I noticed a kind of large number of pikas, marmots, mountain goats, sheep, elk, grouselike birds, springtails, beetles, grasshoppers, and butterflies just like, wandering around in the laundry, which made me think hold on, baby, AM I ACTUALLY LIVING IN AN ALPINE TUNDRA? THIS IS INDEED AN ECOLOGICAL DILEMMA, WHERE IS AN ATTENBOROUGH WHEN YOU NEED ONE.
I suspect this conundrum may only be solved by an alchemy textbook and maybe some vodka cruisers. I will get to work.
xoxo nora
Incidentally, I have recently discovered that my house, aka the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth, is actually a “Tundra.” The first inkling of l occurred to me when I read on this site that a tundra is “the coldest of all the biomes.” [FOR REAL? THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY COLDER THAN ALL THE OTHER BIOMES? UNBELIEVABLE!!]
My suspicions were fully confirmed when I went on to read that the Tundra “is noted for its frost-molded landscapes, extremely low temperatures, little precipitation, poor nutrients, and short growing seasons. Dead organic material functions as a nutrient pool.” READ BETWEEN THE LINES DUDES: I AM LIVING IN A MOTHERFUCKING TUNDRA!!
Let me elaborate:
“Characteristics of Tundra/mister nora’s house:
1. Extremely cold climate
2. Low biotic diversity
3. Simple vegetation structure
4. Limitation of drainage
5. Short season of growth and reproduction
6. Energy and nutrients in the form of dead organic material
7. Large population oscillations “
CASE CLOSED.
I’m just not sure if my house is an Arctic Tundra, or an Alpine Tundra. See, the fact that “a layer of permanently frozen subsoil called permafrost exists, consisting mostly of gravel and finer material. When water saturates the upper surface, bogs and ponds form, providing moisture for plants” suggests that the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth is totally Artic in its Tundraness. However, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I noticed a kind of large number of pikas, marmots, mountain goats, sheep, elk, grouselike birds, springtails, beetles, grasshoppers, and butterflies just like, wandering around in the laundry, which made me think hold on, baby, AM I ACTUALLY LIVING IN AN ALPINE TUNDRA? THIS IS INDEED AN ECOLOGICAL DILEMMA, WHERE IS AN ATTENBOROUGH WHEN YOU NEED ONE.
I suspect this conundrum may only be solved by an alchemy textbook and maybe some vodka cruisers. I will get to work.
xoxo nora
Friday, September 08, 2006
the young and the pestilent
As if my life weren't exxciting nuff already, last weekend I was out on the turps having a pretty weird night generally [at my local bar there was a woman in an fat suit and a barmaid with a pinada on her head>crazy times afoot] and, when the local bar closed, we were booted on the next bar, and so there we were slouching around HAPPILY DOWNING HAPPY BEER when my baby pointed out a dude in a glowing white suit with a glowing white head just a few stops down the bar.
Was it the Bundy bear>NO!
Was it Gandalf> NO MAN, WAS BETTER THAN THAT!
WAS IT BILL MOTHERFUCKING HUNTER>
...
woah brother, how did you guess that? DO WE HHAVE SOME ESP CONNECTION/ARE WE IDENTICAL TWINS?
Anway...Bill motherfuckin Hunter!
So there's no real point to this post 'cept to demonstrate how extremely fuckoed my brain is at the moment with a pointless story about Bill Hunter featuring a pinada>i.e. pretty fuckoed.
normal service will resume shortly.....unless i have done myself some permanent damadagio/acquired brain injury etc. Or unless my brain has finally cracked it with my whoring/drinking/violence and has moved back in with its parents.
[Man, you know I love you brainy. Please come back. I promise I will treat you good this time.]
xoxo nora
Was it the Bundy bear>NO!
Was it Gandalf> NO MAN, WAS BETTER THAN THAT!
WAS IT BILL MOTHERFUCKING HUNTER>
...
woah brother, how did you guess that? DO WE HHAVE SOME ESP CONNECTION/ARE WE IDENTICAL TWINS?
Anway...Bill motherfuckin Hunter!
So there's no real point to this post 'cept to demonstrate how extremely fuckoed my brain is at the moment with a pointless story about Bill Hunter featuring a pinada>i.e. pretty fuckoed.
normal service will resume shortly.....unless i have done myself some permanent damadagio/acquired brain injury etc. Or unless my brain has finally cracked it with my whoring/drinking/violence and has moved back in with its parents.
[Man, you know I love you brainy. Please come back. I promise I will treat you good this time.]
xoxo nora
Thursday, September 07, 2006
My name is mister nora, and I have a photo booth problem.
Surely there is some kind of helpline for this shit.
xooxoxo nora
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I don't.
So me and The Dude are going to this wedding in a few weeks (I struggle to say ‘The Dude & I’; makes me think of ‘The King & I’ and I totally do not wish to attend a wedding with Elvis P, basically cos I don’t like to hang out with dudes who have bigger hair than I do, also apparently he is totally “dead”! So not hot.). The wedding thing is pretty hardcore; The Dude has to give a speech, and I have to sit around and get hammered. Man, my life is so hard sometimes.
Anyhow, no offence to the hitched/hitching types amongst you, but I really don’t understand why anyone gets married in the first place. I can only think of reasons why NOT to get married, e.g.:
1. Princess Diana got married and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.
2. If you take the “i” out of “married”, you get “marred”, as in “MY LIFE WAS FOREVER MARRED BY MY TERRIBLE UNION TO A TEETOTALLING ACCOUNTANT.”
COINCIDENCE? I think not, my brothers.
3. If you take the M, A, R, R, & I out of “married” and replace those letters with D, I, S, E, M, B, O, W, E, & L, you get DISEMBOWELED, as in “I HAVE JUST DISEMBOWELED THE NON-DRINKING BEAN COUNTER, I THINK YOU WILL AGREE HE DESERVED IT.”
COINCIDENCE? I think you already know what I think, my brothers.
4. White dresses remind me of Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman reminds me of murder/suicide.
5. The thought of having to insert “my husband and I” into sentences makes me kind of queasy, e.g. “Yes, ho ho ho, that’s truly quite amusing. Reminds me of that time in ‘64 when my husband and I were in Portsea at Fee’s little holiday pad, and our darling little dog Maxwell, god bless his poor departed soul, kept humping the neighbour’s rabbit! Ho ho ho! Little fiend! And you know I found out later my husband was humping the neighbour! And Maxwell too! And the Rabbit! Oh ho ho ho! No wonder the poor little thing was confused! Ah, Portsea. Those were indeed the days. Would you pass the binoculars? Thank you, thank you my dear, very kind.”
6. Sin is a totally cutting edge place to be living in; in fact it is almost as cool as Northcote (I said almost). Marriage, on the other hand, is more akin to Burwood, and dude, really, who wants to live in Burwood.
7. If you want to trap someone into loving you 4 evs, I say try being lovable. Pretty crazy, I know, but according to recent ABS figures this works way better than a voidable contract. Otherwise you could do what I do and just beat your partner into submission [nb slightly illegal, but on the plus side, cheaper than a wedding].
8. If me and The Dude got married, he would have to change his name to “missus nora” & I suspect he would not be fully down with that.
9. I am quite sure any sprogs I have will be complete bastards, otherwise it just won’t seem right.
10. Britney Spears got married, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.
If you ask me, that’s ten pretty solid reasons to baulk down the aisle.
xoxo nora
Anyhow, no offence to the hitched/hitching types amongst you, but I really don’t understand why anyone gets married in the first place. I can only think of reasons why NOT to get married, e.g.:
1. Princess Diana got married and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.
2. If you take the “i” out of “married”, you get “marred”, as in “MY LIFE WAS FOREVER MARRED BY MY TERRIBLE UNION TO A TEETOTALLING ACCOUNTANT.”
COINCIDENCE? I think not, my brothers.
3. If you take the M, A, R, R, & I out of “married” and replace those letters with D, I, S, E, M, B, O, W, E, & L, you get DISEMBOWELED, as in “I HAVE JUST DISEMBOWELED THE NON-DRINKING BEAN COUNTER, I THINK YOU WILL AGREE HE DESERVED IT.”
COINCIDENCE? I think you already know what I think, my brothers.
4. White dresses remind me of Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman reminds me of murder/suicide.
5. The thought of having to insert “my husband and I” into sentences makes me kind of queasy, e.g. “Yes, ho ho ho, that’s truly quite amusing. Reminds me of that time in ‘64 when my husband and I were in Portsea at Fee’s little holiday pad, and our darling little dog Maxwell, god bless his poor departed soul, kept humping the neighbour’s rabbit! Ho ho ho! Little fiend! And you know I found out later my husband was humping the neighbour! And Maxwell too! And the Rabbit! Oh ho ho ho! No wonder the poor little thing was confused! Ah, Portsea. Those were indeed the days. Would you pass the binoculars? Thank you, thank you my dear, very kind.”
6. Sin is a totally cutting edge place to be living in; in fact it is almost as cool as Northcote (I said almost). Marriage, on the other hand, is more akin to Burwood, and dude, really, who wants to live in Burwood.
7. If you want to trap someone into loving you 4 evs, I say try being lovable. Pretty crazy, I know, but according to recent ABS figures this works way better than a voidable contract. Otherwise you could do what I do and just beat your partner into submission [nb slightly illegal, but on the plus side, cheaper than a wedding].
8. If me and The Dude got married, he would have to change his name to “missus nora” & I suspect he would not be fully down with that.
9. I am quite sure any sprogs I have will be complete bastards, otherwise it just won’t seem right.
10. Britney Spears got married, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.
If you ask me, that’s ten pretty solid reasons to baulk down the aisle.
xoxo nora
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Whiskers on kittens
Officially finished Studying the Knowledge yesterday...there goes the most ambivalent motherfuckin law degree ever completed. I only really started that shit as some kind of elaborate joke, but the moment I enrolled it was like I'd accidentally boarded one of those really long moving walkways at the airport which was going in totally the wrong direction, and I wanted to get off like straight away but there were all these dudes me hustling me forward and so was just trapped there until the end of the ride, only the ride took like 6 million years. I have always had a fucking shit sense of direction; next time I will TAKE A FUCKING MAP OF THE AIRPORT. Maybe I will just take the fucking train. Or a boat. I am really fond of boats. I mean what was I doing at the airport anyhow, I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE FUCKING BOAT TO BEGIN WITH.
Anyhow, so handed the thesis in, have not stopped internal fireworks of celebration since. My inner world looks pretty much like the sky above the Eiffel Tower on new years eve, only heaps more festive than that. Its like I am bathing in a giant martini glass full of good vibes/party drugs/circus performers, like if my emotional state were a TV show it would be called "DIAGNOSIS: AWESOME".
I am so happy that I spent today cleaning the house, and ENJOYED IT. I didn't so much enjoy getting Ajax Exit Mould in my eye, that will not feature on Top 10 Memories of 5 September 2006. Still, I was pretty tough, I just splashed some water around, took out my contact lens and continued destroying the dense forest of various rare moulds/funghi that The Dude and I have been cultivating in the bathroom as some kind of beautiful homage to Mother Nature. Later on The Dude read the back of the AJax packet which goes "IF YOU GET THIS SHIT IN YOUR EYE YOU WILL PROBABLY GO BLIND AND/OR DIE, GO TO HOSPITAL YOU CLUMSY FUCKING MORON", and insisted I went to The Doctor. Man I hate The Doctor; least this one didn't poke me with needles/question me regarding my drinking habit etc, he just examined my eyeball and told me to fuck off. So basically, diagnosis: not blind and/or dead, i.e. AWESOME.
xoxo nora
Anyhow, so handed the thesis in, have not stopped internal fireworks of celebration since. My inner world looks pretty much like the sky above the Eiffel Tower on new years eve, only heaps more festive than that. Its like I am bathing in a giant martini glass full of good vibes/party drugs/circus performers, like if my emotional state were a TV show it would be called "DIAGNOSIS: AWESOME".
I am so happy that I spent today cleaning the house, and ENJOYED IT. I didn't so much enjoy getting Ajax Exit Mould in my eye, that will not feature on Top 10 Memories of 5 September 2006. Still, I was pretty tough, I just splashed some water around, took out my contact lens and continued destroying the dense forest of various rare moulds/funghi that The Dude and I have been cultivating in the bathroom as some kind of beautiful homage to Mother Nature. Later on The Dude read the back of the AJax packet which goes "IF YOU GET THIS SHIT IN YOUR EYE YOU WILL PROBABLY GO BLIND AND/OR DIE, GO TO HOSPITAL YOU CLUMSY FUCKING MORON", and insisted I went to The Doctor. Man I hate The Doctor; least this one didn't poke me with needles/question me regarding my drinking habit etc, he just examined my eyeball and told me to fuck off. So basically, diagnosis: not blind and/or dead, i.e. AWESOME.
xoxo nora
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Nightmares in Northcote
World has gone fucking loopy: have been offered ANOTHER JOB. Dear jesus why does everyone want to employ me allofasudden, can't they just leave me in peace to play web based sudoku/read horse magazies/write poems about forks?
Also - GET THIS: apparently 'full time' means every day of the week [except Sat/Sun]...like, WTF?? Are these law dudes on some kind of methamphetamine habit/how can they expect me to be awake so often? Is it too early for an early-mid life crisis, WHERE IS A BLONDE BABE IN A CONVERTIBLE WHEN YOU NEED ONE. FUCK. As if my body is not fucked enough what with all the martinis/red wine, now I am also going to have to get up before midday/wear shoes without holes in them, OMG its like I'm suddenly World President, ONLY HARDER/MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.
At the moment I have accepted both jobs ["GOD YES I'D LOVE TO WORK FOR YOU AND YOUR FANTASTIC COMMITMENT OF TEAMED PEOPLES, WHEN CAN I START/HOW EARLY CAN I GET UP/I CANNOT BEAR THIS TERRIBLE LIFE OF LEISURE, IDLENESS MAKES ME NAUSEOUS/CAUSES CANCER"] so come Monday I am going to have to call someone up and break their hardened little Human Resources heart. Or else I could just try working 2 full time jobs next year, how hard could that be? NOT NEARLY FUCKING HARD ENOUGH FOR THE LIKES OF MISTER NORA!* THE ONLY THING MORE FUN THAN WORKING 2 FULLTIME JOBS WOULD BE WORKING 223 FULLTIME JOBS, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME, WHERE DO I SIGN UP.
*[Now I have been welcomed to the World of Employment I feel I am fully justified in referring to myself in the 3rd person, also the 4th, 5th 6th etc.]
[I think I'm taking this capitalisation thing too far, maybe I should just make everything bold and utilise more exclamation marks to underline my intense excitement about this whole situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO EXCITED I COULD ALMOST DIE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN FACT I AM SO EXCITED WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO NORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also - GET THIS: apparently 'full time' means every day of the week [except Sat/Sun]...like, WTF?? Are these law dudes on some kind of methamphetamine habit/how can they expect me to be awake so often? Is it too early for an early-mid life crisis, WHERE IS A BLONDE BABE IN A CONVERTIBLE WHEN YOU NEED ONE. FUCK. As if my body is not fucked enough what with all the martinis/red wine, now I am also going to have to get up before midday/wear shoes without holes in them, OMG its like I'm suddenly World President, ONLY HARDER/MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.
At the moment I have accepted both jobs ["GOD YES I'D LOVE TO WORK FOR YOU AND YOUR FANTASTIC COMMITMENT OF TEAMED PEOPLES, WHEN CAN I START/HOW EARLY CAN I GET UP/I CANNOT BEAR THIS TERRIBLE LIFE OF LEISURE, IDLENESS MAKES ME NAUSEOUS/CAUSES CANCER"] so come Monday I am going to have to call someone up and break their hardened little Human Resources heart. Or else I could just try working 2 full time jobs next year, how hard could that be? NOT NEARLY FUCKING HARD ENOUGH FOR THE LIKES OF MISTER NORA!* THE ONLY THING MORE FUN THAN WORKING 2 FULLTIME JOBS WOULD BE WORKING 223 FULLTIME JOBS, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME, WHERE DO I SIGN UP.
*[Now I have been welcomed to the World of Employment I feel I am fully justified in referring to myself in the 3rd person, also the 4th, 5th 6th etc.]
[I think I'm taking this capitalisation thing too far, maybe I should just make everything bold and utilise more exclamation marks to underline my intense excitement about this whole situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO EXCITED I COULD ALMOST DIE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN FACT I AM SO EXCITED WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO NORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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