Medical emergency/how I learned to stop worrying and love the Kid.

Today I visited the doctor so she could protect me from Asians, who are apparently keen to infect me will all variety of hepatitises. Originally I was like, "fuck that shit man, I'm no racist!" but the doctor was all like "lady, do you really want to end up a skanky hepatitoid like Pam Anderson? Do you want to spend your disease ridden days hawking M&Ms and your disease ridden nights blowing Kid Rock??" and I was all like "WTF have you been reading my diary" and she was like "well ok so Kid Rock is totally hot, but what about the liver damage?" and I was like "have you been looking in my recycle bin? I swear The Dude drinks more than I do" and she was like "just put out your fucking arm and let me inject you; how will I buy a porsche/large Alphington residence if I spend all day talking to mongoloids like you, fucking time waster" and I was like "I knew you were racist!" and she was like "some of my best friends are mongoloids" and I was like "whatever" and then she injected me.

K I should probably confess I am scared of injections. It's possible that after she jabbed me I may have cried like a little boy/Bob Hawke. It's kind of humiliating, but at least it keeps me off smack.

I am also scared of wasps, priests, and people who don't drink. Is there a name for this condition? I would ask the doctor but I am afraid she will try to fix me with an injection/racist slur.

xoxo nora

Is this some kind of joke/am I on candid camera?

Brace yourselves, dudes, I have some pretty fucked up news.


I had a phone call this morning from this lady who goes, "so, mister nora, how did you feel your job interview with 'Miscellaneous Professional Workplace' went last week?"

I said "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Good?"

She said: "Did the position sound interesting?"

I said, "Ummmmmmmmmmmm. Yes?"

She said, "Well, we'd like to offer you the job!"

I said: "[shocked pause]............that's..... great?"


Apparently using phrases such as "I work with a team of committed, fantastic people" then kind of starting to giggle in the midst of a job interview really pays off.

This turn of events is remarkable to the point of UNBELIEVABLE, also a little bit HILARIOUS and kind of CONCERNING.


And fuck man, I was soooo looking forward to spending next year lolling about in the manner of a Paxton, pulling bongs & watching Springer all day. HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS????????????

xoxo nora

101 Damnations

So the big news round these parts is that come September, me and The Dude are going to split for a few months to drink from the cultural vanilla thickshake that is North America, & then when winter comes we plan to get frostbite in Europe & after that it's on the cards that we'll get our frost unbitten in the sweaty climes of Asia. So basically the World is our Oyster, etc, except I don't eat Oysters so I guess the World is my Tofu-based Meat Substitute.

Even though I am aged and worldly (not only did I grow up in the hotbed of sin and sophistication that is Country Victoria, I have also travelled widely, like in my time I've seen the sights of everywhere from Geelong to Colac, and once I even visited Pascoe Vale South[FOR REALS, I AM TOTALLY NOT EXAGGERATING HERE])...anyway even DESPITE all this aged worldliness, I am quite excited.

I know many of you will be asking "why the fuck would she bother going anywhere else when she's currently enjoying the sweet life just 10 minutes walk away from all the delirious delights that Northcote Plaza has to offer, god that mister nora is a stupid fucking cuntbag" and so on, and I do see your point. However EVEN THOUGH I am clearly living in the Closest Thing to Heaven on Earth (if by "Heaven" you mean "Thornbury" and/or "Clifton Hill") I still fancy the idea of broadening my horizons, if only so I can visit shit like the Getty Centre in LA and go "Yeah like it's okay for what it is, I guess, but it's no Doncaster Shoppingtown." Absence makes the heart grow abscesses, or whatever.

What was the point of this? Oh yes.

HOW AM I EXPECTED TO STUDY WHEN I HAVE KRISPY KREME DONUTS/ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER/KUM N GO PETROL STATIONS/BAGUETTES/THE POPE/COMEDIC GERMAN ACCENTS/COCONUT BASED DISHES/CHILD PROSTITUTES/POTENTIAL EARLY DEATH IN TERRORIST PLANE HIJACKINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO?

I AM SQUIRMING WITH EXCITEMENT LIKE A BAG OF ANTS.

CAN I PLEASE NOW DROP OUT OF MY LAW DEGREE NOW PLEASE, THAT WOULD BE SUPER.

KTHNXBYE.

xoxo nora

Seven Dwarves = ROYAL FEAST!

So apparently Pluto is no longer a planet , it’s just a little dwarf planet.

If I were a dwarf person I would be pretty fucking pissed off about this turn of events; like does this mean dwarves are not actually people? Personally I have always suspected they were not of our species and should be farmed like pigs and harvested for their internal organs. We could also make like little leather gloves/small briefcases out of their skins and maybe could carve up their thighs into juicy dwarf loin chops for Sunday lunch with nan... man, there’s just so much you could do, I’m seeing a major boost for agriculture.

Unfortunately when I suggested this to Parliament the dudes from the Equal Opportunity Commission were all like “DOWN WITH THE NAZI” and I was like, “Woah, chill, man, sure it sounds extreme but have you ever eaten Dwarfy Bits? Fucking delicious, totally justifying of caging the fat little fuckers and eating them for breakfast/in sandwiches.”

[Of course, I’m not totally heartless. If any of them befriended a spider or some such shit that advocated passionately for their survival, I guess we could let those ones live. (Maybe as domestic pets?) ]

Anyhow this whole ground breaking policy has not so far received bipartisan support from our vision-free politicians, but I think with the whole Pluto “not a planet” business, things might be looking up for the Dwarf Harvesting Industry. Remember, kids, you heard it here first.

xoxo nora

PS BREAKING NEWS: according to my sources, Pluto is also no longer a cartoon dog. He is just an overgrown rat.

That Pluto has deceived us on many levels. That’s some fucked up shit, man. Fucked up shit.



PPS This is my 100th post, and I must say I'm quite proud of my perseverance in the face of obscurity.

I lay a little bear for two.

I'm fuck busy right now, cos apparently I have to hand in this thesis claptrapbap in 10 days or some such shit (CRAZY TALK!). Nevertheless this week I have managed to>

- go to two (2) job interviews where I had to wear a highly uptight suit-type costume, pretend I care about The Poors/Ethnics/Gays/etc and use the phrase "I really enjoy working with a team of fantastic, committed people"; I think I am going to hell for this rape of language/appalling lie (tho I think I may already have had a booking there what with all the swearing, masturbation, violence to children etc). Also, during one interview I started laughing at my own stupid fucking response to their stupid fucking question while they looked at me curiously like I was some weird wriggling soot-covered mole from deep within the earth - do you think I will be hired? I forgot to sing "Eye of the Tiger" as I walked in the room so statistically speaking I think it's very unlikely.

- attend one (1) literary part-ay as part of Melbourne Writers Week. Had awesome time, drank heavily (BAR TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and ranted on boringly to whoever I could sink my drunken (sooty) claws into. Man I do get passionate about all sorts of inane shit when I'm drinking (maybe I should drink [more] before job interviews).

- have a row with The Dude at Souvlaki King (and they say romance is deaf!)

- wake up to a MASSIVE HEADACHE/small quanity of shame.

How do I fit it all in? Amazing. I should write a book on time management for alcoholics/the unemployed (is this Pulitzer Material? Possibly EVEN MORE SO than this blog!) (HAHAHA! as if that were possible!!).


xoxo nora

What Not To Wear, LOLZ!!!!!

This season you should totally not be seen dead or alive or half-dead or brain dead or comatose or buried or shipped out to sea or MIA or AWOL or on the back of a milk carton or in an Archibald prize winning portrait or awash with ennui or ridden with herpes or even a little bit cremated (LOLZ!!!) while wearing the following items:

1. Samantha Brett

Author of "luv n txt" and Sydney Morning Herald Blogger, here is a sample of her work:

Getting a man to propose is hard to do. But what if you've been
dating him for what seems like an eternity, yet the bloke still just won't
budge? Is there a way to get him to propose without begging, bitching and
backstabbing your way in like a premature desperate housewife? And, is it
ever okay for the females do the asking?

She also has totally fucked up grammar, and as you can see from my blog I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING ENRAGING OF BAD GRAMMARS.

So dudes, next time you're thinking of donning a pair of Samantha Brett eyeballs, think twice; they only come in size"HEY SAM YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING DEADCUNT WHY DONT YOU CALL YOUR STUPID FUCKING BLOG 'WELCOME TO COCKSTOWN' THEN INVITE ALL YOUR STUPID FUCKING FRIENDS TO THE SAMANTHA COCKSTOWN MASSACRE LIKE PRONTO YOU FUCKING VENEREALLY DISEASED MOTHERFUCKING TARDCUNTED FUCKWIT. APART FROM THAT, TOTALLY LOVE YOUR WORK!! LOLZ!! LOVE FROM MISTER NORA, NORTHCOTE, VIC. XOXOXO PS LOLZ IS IT EVER OKAY/LEGAL FOR FEMALES TO RAPE THEIR HUSBANDS? HAHA LOLZERYTHMS!!! KTHNXBYE. "



2. The Dude's meat gun.





"Yo, mister nora, is this the meat gun you're talking about?"










No, man, that's not the meat gun I'm talking about.

Anyway, The Dude can wear his meat gun around because he is 10-15 years ahead of fashion with little to no chance of parole. But it's probably not advisable for the likes of you and I. (Unless you are Kate Moss, that hotbabe can get away with anything. Also, if you are Kate Moss: PETE DOHERTY? LOLZAPALOOLZA!!!!!!!!#*%!!!!!1)

I'll try to post pictures laters but right now you'll have to content yerselves with the meat hat.

THOSE DUDES HAVE BEEN STUDYING THEIR LOLZZZOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!


3. These outfits


LOLZ IZ IN DA HAUS!!!!!!!!!


xoxo nora
















PS JESUS LOLZ YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!1

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.

So I was going to post a picture of a Garlic sucking off a Lime while getting sodomised by a Date with a Sweet Potato looking on, but then I thought 'hey, mister nora, you totally do not want to offend Steve Fielding! Steven is your core constituency! Also, HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR JESUS/ORDINARY HUMAN DECENCY?', so I decided to stick with some clean family shots.





















Ma and Pa


















The kids - L to R, Fred, Ernesto, and Javier.















Oh fuck it.

















Fred, Ernesto and Javier fucking in the kitchen; George Clinton in the background.

















Ernesto examines Javier; Fred stands in left of shot; Pa and George Clinton in the background.




You know, sometimes I worry this blog intimidates people, what with all the high culture and fierce intellectual debate.

xoxo nora

Mental wellness test results

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


xoxo nora

Stealing pies.

Hee hee.

Some things that are excellent about today include:

- I had a walk in the park, which was a total walk in the park. Next item on schedule: taking candy from a baby?

- Diet dry ginger ale; as delicious as a drink can get when it has 0% alcohol content.

- The pussycats are reenacting the Jonestown Cat Massacre in front of the Conray.

- Have once again failed to secure a proper job, meaning I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK!

- Despite my many flaws, I am still not a Young Liberal.

- This guy is looking for a girlfriend. So is this guy. And this guy. Not to mention this guy. Fuck I love personal ads.

- I've yet to do a scrap of work.

xoxo nora

The world won't glisten.

Motherfuck I am feeling fucked in the head area today. The American blew in and out of town, and as usual it was a bit like a collision with a pint sized truck (of fun),...y'know, like it's a good time, but it leaves me sort of in need of minor orthopedic surgery. This is not really uncommon I guess; I have only realised just lately that all my friends are a bit* crazy in the brain...and that I like them that way. WHAT COULD BE MORE BORING THAN THE MENTALLY STABLE.

On Sunday we were up in the kitchen drinking VERY FANCY WINE FROM BOTTLES until 5.30 in the morning (we are consummate hosts, you know) which lead to me getting to work still kind of drunk, and although that's probably not totally ideal professionally speaking, I still think it's an awesome way to begin the week.

Today involved, amongst other things, a visit to a cemetary, a drive to the airport, a moment of extreme panic and also a meal at Norflands Pancake Parlour (yes, my brothers, if you want glamour and sophistication, you are totally reading the right blog). I had a nice moment of supreme love at Pancakesville (which is fully the most disturbing aesthetic experience I've had since I last looked in the mirror while fucked off my nut on acid) when The Dude gave me both the marshmallows from his hot chocolate. Reminded me of why I adore him so much (BECAUSE THE DUDE IS TOO COOL/ADULT FOR MARSHMALLOWS).

Here's a picture our beautiful friend Meegy took of me and The Dude sharing a moment earlier this year:














"Brother, can you spare a dime?"

Is that picture seething with sexual tension or what.

xoxo nora
*i.e. a lot

So I know how hard I gotta work it.

Last night I worked late at the shop where I flog product to fancy customers while calling them "cuntycuntycunts" under my breath. It was kind of busy and I had to deal with some real narky fuckers, dear god was I ready for a drink affer it was all oves. Only thing was, the tramp I was supposed to be drinking with had pulled a sicky, and The Dude was out in the 'burbs at some Part-ay for Rich Professionals (NB obviously The Dude was there as a spy/fraud rather than as a Rich Professional; lately The Dude spends all his days lounging about the house drinking rum and reading Who Weekly cover to cover; as far as I can tell, this does not make him Rich or Professional). Anyway, point is that my darling co-conspirator in crime and alcoholism was Not Available, and so I headed back to the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth all alone. Aw.

Lucky for me, I'm pretty able when it comes to "making my own fun" - comes from being neglected as a child according to my therapist. So to cut a long story sideways, when The Dude came home a few hours later he found me in the kitchen with my friend the Newly-Empty Cask of Red, having quite a party of my own. There was music, there was drinking, there was dancing: only thing missing was BoringChitChatWithPeopleYouWishYouDidn'tKnow. Fucking good times were had by all (i.e. me). The Dude joined in, I slapped my arse while shaking booty to Missy Elliott, and then we pashed on like teenage bogans in the back of a ute. Awwwww.

What's that thing they say about drinking alone? Can't quite remember but I think it has something to do with "Productive Citizenship and Good for One's Health".

Health not so grand today, however; required late greasy breakfast & a lot of fluids. And my Yank friend is arriving tonight to stay for a couple of days, a turn of events which my astrology charts indicate may involve Alcohol.

xoxo nora

You are beautiful, no matter what they say.

So my latest thing for avoiding finishing my degree is looking up pictures of ugly things, e.g.


ugly cats















ugly dogs





















Ugly hats



















Ugly brides


















Ugly bedrooms















In my travels, I have also come across this excellent site which will be the making of me, for sure. Personally, I have my eye on Maboo.


Right. Now. On to that thesis.

xoxo nora

far away from the cold night air

So according to the paper today, most women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace.

I am hugely cheered by this news; clearly these dudes are concerned about the abuses/environmental damage/exploitation going down in diamond mines in Sierra Leone and are TAKING A STAND (and putting a big TV on it). It’s so awesome that so many people care about this stuff…you know if it weren’t for stories like this I would sometimes start worrying that the only things dudes are really passionate about are their polished floorboards and like, the cricket. HOW WRONG AND STUPID WOULD I HAVE TO BE TO THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT. The world is full of love and compassion, bros, love and compassion.

Anyhow, got me thinking, there are quite a few things I would prefer over both a diamond necklace and a plasma TV, e.g.

- a bottle of Bombay Sapphire that never runs out;

- a houseboy;

- a houseboat;

- a loveboat;

- a talking cat;

- a diamante necklace that spells “fuckyou” instead of my name (actually I already have one of those)

- a telegram bearing news of John Howard’s death;

- one of those key rings that beeps when you lose it;

- a time machine?

- a cloud for sleeping on;

- a kettle that whistles;

- a grenade launcher;

- a nicer personality;

- a look that could kill (literally).

xoxo nora

Fox wins.

xoxo nora

I'm hairy, I'm hairy hairy hairy.

So in the course of writing this thesis about crazies who kill, I've come across a lot of cases about CRAZY PEOPLE WHO KILL PEOPLE. I don't mind so much, actually, I'm just like "whatevs, my mentally ill brothers, you can't help that you thought your girlfriend was an alien, you're just a helpless little leaf in a howling hurricane of madness, and also, what the fuck was up with that bitch? Like I'm not saying she was asking for it, as such, but I think we both agree she was a bit funny lookin" [nb this does not mean Jamie from Big Brother has a license to kill Katie, although I put it to you, WOULD THE WORLD BE SO MUCH WORSE OFF?]

[...and that is how I plan to launch my glittering career as a highly paid criminal barrister, totally defying all those doubters who suggested I was more suited to a mediocre career as a lowly paid criminal barista].

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this and then I thought maybe it's a bit crass to milk other people's horrific deaths for laughs ["TOO LATE!"].

I best go now before I start getting stuck into the Blintz vs Kebab conflict.

Although... I do have to say, and I mean this, how can people hate the Jews? Sure there's some fucked up shit going down in the middle east, but man, they totally come up with some awesome shit. And I'm not just talking about Seinfeld, Anne Frank, Al Franken, Jon Stewart, &c...'cause although all those people are total foxes, I found something even better while researching this post (yeah dudes, I research - you don't think I come up with unebelievably profound shit such as this by just letting a monkey loose on a keyboard, do you? Haha! Oh. I see. You do. Well, whatevs bros, I'll bet my monkey is like heaps smarter than any fucking monkey you could lay your bestial paws on, and HE ALSO HAS A BETTER HAIR CUT, and like Shakespeare says, "I know you are but what am I", and also, NAH NI NAH NI NAAHHH NAHHH")..................Anyway, while researching, I came across this sweet website about Jewish Food, which has the most fucking rocking soundtrack ever. I would like this played at my funeral, thankyouverymuch.

Awesome. Although I should add that according to this site, the Jews are responsible for Kenny G, so maybe that's what the Arabs are so cut up about. Tho then again, us skips came up with the likes of Natalie Bassingthwaighte and John Howard, so I am loathe to point too many fingers.


I can't believe I just linked to Kenny G.

xoxo nora