If only I could get round to it.

Lately I've come to the conclusion that say there were less big brother, the drink and sleepiness in my life, I would stand a much better chance of becoming an upstanding citizen/leader of the free and/or enslaved world.

Under my "Benevolent Dictatorship", you'd love it, for sure; get this:
1. No more films featuring Bud Tingwell/Gwynneth Paltrow
2. No more mullets, not even under the auspices of irony ( blanket prohibition)
3. More ads on TV claiming coffee beans have been "roasted in farts"
4. Patchouli= banned, a lot
5. More widespread knowledge of how to spell patchouli?
6. Raclette would be the national dish, i.e. served in every meal, including "pie", "weetbix" and "salad".
7. Free trade agreement with the Swiss, also Norway; watches, knives, chocolate and maybe some moose would be exchanged for like, the more disgraceful aspects of antipodean history, and a sheep/several toads.
8. By the year 2010 no child will live in poverty (NB only applies to "poverty of imagination"; poverty of food/schooling/homes/foxes = still going down)
9. Disco Churches
10. Infomercials ALL DAY, OR taps in houses with less water, more Shiraz; take your pick.

Do you think this policy platform is solid enough to see me elected King/Deity in 06/07? I am fully prepared to "meat the people", "shake fists with the common man", "fuck babies" etc. Yeah so basically, SEE YOU IN CANBERRA, DUDES.

xoxo nora

If it weren't for my love for The Dude...

I would be quite likely to agree to the sex with:

Jarvis:























Dylan:
















and David:











Sex with Mister Becks there would obviously be under the caveat that he didn't actually say anything, even though the fact that he has the voice and brain of a sweet, if slightly slow, adolescent clearly makes me RANDY LIKE A FOX.


Um, clearly this post is a bit lacking in the hard-hitting, unbelievably hilarious mister nora that you've come to KNOW AND LOVE. Whatevs, bro. mister nora is kind of short on brain and time, and she were just looking for an excuse to image search for Jarvis Cocker, and refer to herself in the third person, AS IF SHE WERE IMPORTANT>the poor dear is suffering from some low self steam>let's buy her a fucking rice cooker, WITH STEAM FUNCTION, that'll fucking cheer her the fuck up>although if she thinks any of the above three fellas would deign to get pantsy with her maybe she needs LESS STEAM, MORE HUMIDITY. Or humility, or MAYBE JUST MORE HUMMUS. YEAH, BRO, LET'S GET HER AN ARAB!

The Tower of Knowledge may have just fallen over on my head, and caught fire, YES! It IS like the TOWERING INFERNO (of knowledge) IN HERE!

I think I need a Becks and a good lie down: "WINNER: MOST APPALLING PUN OF 2006!"

"WINNER: MOST APPALLING POST, 2001 - 2042"

SORRY.

xoxo nora

AW, IS THIS GORGEOUS OR WHAT?

If there's anything that gets me clucky, it has to be photos of kids with animals:

















"Hi, my name is Jimmy! The only thing I love more than the baby Jesus is playing on my x box and killing the beasts of Satan/Santa!"























"I'm Janella-May, and my mommy says I'm gonna win Miss Junior Iowa this year for sure! My favourite things are tiaras, ponies, and severed heads!"
















"My name is Charles, but my friends call me Chuck! My hobbies include watching cartoons, going to Scouts, and reenacting scenes from Bambi!"

Are these little tykes the most adorable young rascals you've ever seen? TOO RIGHT THEY ARE!

It just warms the cockles of my heart and lungs to know that they'll grow up to look like this:













Or this:


















I'm booking in the Unprotected Sex like pronto.

xoxo nora

Opposable thumbs, GET FUCKED.

While I am busy learning every piece of fuckin punctuation in the Tower of Knowledge, i.e.:

















The Pussycats are in the same room, doing this:



















IS THIS WHAT OUR BOYS ARE DYING FOR?


xoxo nora

Nervous Breakdown, COME ON DOWN!

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"Then one day in the back pages of Beagles in Peril Magazine, I saw an ad for this wonderful product, and since then my life has totally turned around! I now live underneath a trailer in a swamp, my kids have all got herpes, my parents have died in suspicious circumstances, I’m suicidal and I’m making a living my selling beans by the side of the road. I could not be more of a basket case!!

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xoxo nora

* results may vary.

Career Crisis #21317841102847108247102498

So I'm applying for this "job" thing this month to distract myself from Studying the Knowledge and to improve my Cash Situation (currently rated: "troubling, very troubling indeed"). I was shocked to learn recently that apparently these so-called "employers" want to "interview" me before giving me the position! The nerve of these people!! Those cunts should be eating out their own vaginas/applying science/blackmailing family members to get me on the team. That is what I wrote them in my application letter, anyhow. Obviously they weren't paying sufficient attention, LAZY CUNTS.

Anyway so in preparation for the big day, I have gone on the internet looking for tips and advice. Apparently "desired behaviours" that employers look for include:

"Adaptability Communication-Oral Communication-Written Control Analysis Attention to Detail Decisiveness Delegation Development of Subordinates Energy Entrepreneurial Equipment Operation Insight Fact Finding-Oral Financial Analytical Flexibility Impact Independence Initiative Innovation Integrity Judgment Leadership/Influence Listening Motivation Negotiation Organizational Participative Sensitivity Management Planning and Organizing Practical Learning Presentation Skills Process Operation Rapport Building Resilience Risk Taking Safety Awareness Sales Ability/Persuasiveness Sensitivity Strategic Analysis Teamwork Technical/Professional Knowledge Technical/Professional Proficiency Tenacity Training and Work Standards."

Like, blah blah, fuck, blah. NOWHERE do they mention "Acoholism, Eccentricity, Big Hair, Greed, Knowledge of Big Brother, Neighbours and Deal or No Deal, Slovenliness (IT'S NEXT TO GODLINES, derr!), Idleness, Misanthropy, Unbridled Rage, Tendencies to Violence, Poor Credit Management, and Talents of Swearing, Blowjobs and Hypochondria."

I worry that my multiple skills and disabilities will be overlooked in the venomous snakepit of birthday suit ambition that is the "group behavioural interview". This is traumatic and damaging to my emotional and mental state because HOW WILL I BUY THE DUDE A YACHT WITHOUT A JOB? [selling drugs/winning tattslotto/going on big brother/stealing/etc]

Life is just so hard. Sometimes I just want to give up and end it all/eat soup.

xoxo nora

The State of the Union

The Dude has abandoned me once again to go visit his friends Philby and Meegy in Darwin where he is no doubt drinking Beer and having Good Times as we speak. Being SLY LIKE A FOX, the motherfucker diverted any tantrums, china tossing, door slamming, knife attacks etc which I had up my sleeve by spending yesterday cooking me various items, including lentil bolognese, chestnut soup and sweet potato soup (Verdict: "mister nora hereby pronounces these foodstuffs 'Delicious.'").

HOW SNEAKY IS THE DUDE? (very sneaky; also culinary).

Meanwhile I am stuck in Leningrad drinking coffee (instant edition) and finishing off Studying the Knowledge so I can acquire an Impressively Remunerated Professional Job where I get to become a High Net-Worth Individual with Multiple Whitegoods and a Corner Office with Views of Waterway by Fiendishly Crushing the Little Man; also apparently I must buy The Dude a yacht equipped with 19 year old underpants models (female) with bellybuttons full of cocaine and also a full bar.

Little does The Dude know that last night in his absence I went to a Place of Hip Hop where my Hips Awoke Passions (not so much my Hops) and I was "hit on" by an Unemployed Stoner with a Ponytail (DREAMBOAT ALERT!). I went on to stay up past MIDNIGHT, only to wake up this morning hungover and SURROUNDED BY PUSSY [cats]. Oh, it's racy times we live in, my friends.

On the upside:
- Claudie is in town and is totally ready for action.
- 5 and a half hours of Big Brother on the telly tonight.
- I have gone AWOL from the Font of Knowledge and am looking forward to an "afternoon of naps".
- Radio National on the Radio (derr).
- Conray, my love, my electric heater.

I'll keep you posted on further exciting developments (e.g. "mister nora boils the kettle - PM says: THAT'S HOT!") as they happen. Don't topple off the edge of your seat in frenzied anticipation, will ya now, babycakes. Bueno.

xoxo nora

Re: not drinking til June

I failed.

Whatevs, at least I fail consistently. I'm just FUCKIN RELIABLE like that. Some would call it a virtue! Personally I think of it as a calling.

SHOOSH. Stop getting all HIGH HORSEY. YOU try saying no to FREE WINE, at a HIGH SPIRITED CULTURAL EVENT. I'm telling you, it's simply not possible (for people with drinking problems).

xoxo nora

Some Awesome Knowledge, Imparted.

... to conclude,

1. "A toilet that flushes is better a flushless toilet, quite a bit better." (You can totally quote me on that, my friends.) AWESOME!!

2. Drowsy Drivers ROCK (they Roll also). AWESOME!!

3. REVENGE ROOM! AWESOME!!
I need a revenge room in the S.P.O.M.F. so I can wreak the havoc with The Dude's head when he fails to adequately "love and obey" (I'm joking, hah! Like he would dare!!)

4. I am acquainted with someone who has BANGED David The Gay Farmer: AWESOME!! (As you wil know if you studied "The Math" in school, that means I am ONE DEGREE AWAY FROM ROOTING DTGF!)

5. I'm not drinking again until June (maybe), AWESOME!!
(clearly this is not "Actually" awesome.)

xoxo nora