Today the Dude and I celebrate the addition of a new, special friend to our Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth: a TOILET THAT FLUSHES!! I'm totally not exaggerating! That's right kids, we got ALL THE MOD CONS!
[NB mister nora’s legal counsel would like to make clear that “mod cons” should not be understood to include a dishwasher, freezer, functional oven, security system, VCR, DVD player, clothes dryer, electric kettle, playstation, ipod, post-1972 automobile, remote control tv, or a microwave. We say no to Progress; Progress says no to us.]
The Dude is currently lodged in the bathroom, flushing over and over again in excitement (fuck the drought! we have TECHNOLOGY!) while screaming that it’s like being in charge of Victoria Falls. “Look at me, I’m God! HAHAHAHA!” he shouts as he flushes.
It’s times like these I realise I have totally hit the Jackpot with The Dude. I’ll bet Ivana fuckin Trump never had luxury like this. As for that shabby little Danish fucker, let me just say this: Suck my Cock, Princess Mary!! HAHAHA!
xoxo nora
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
The Truth Will Out (Eat You)
Until now, I've been kind of mysterious about the Special Training Program that has been taking up so much of my time and hair. I realise it's been a living hell for my many thousands (approximate estimate) of devoted readers , but I think that given that it's now after 6pm on a Wednesday, it could be time to relieve the inner torment and Let the Motherfucking Pussy out of the Box! (SO TO SPEAK, obviously. Like how would they get them in there anyway? Where is a fucking Physicist/Engineer/Packaging Expert when you need one? Fucking off stuffing other people's boxes is my guess, FUCKING LA-DI-DA PUSSY IN BOX STUFFERS) .
(Fuck me when did I get so motherfucking highbrow?)
(My site traffic is going to increase for sures now I have used the phrase "fucking la-di-da pussy in box stuffers"; I would like to extend a Warm Welcome to all the pornies amongst you.)
What was I saying?
(CONCENTRATE, MISTER NORA, YOU ADDLED FUCKING CUNTBRAINED HALFWIT.)
Ohhhhhh, yes. What I'm getting at is that these many months of Studying the Knowledge have all been in aid of me prancing joyously over the corpses of competitors as I dance on to win the Bluffs Run Casino World Smoked Pork Eating Championship!
Here's Me and the Dude (and also a Live Pork) enjoying my Total Victory!*
Now I'm starting intensive training to ensure triumph in the Swellin' with Melon Watermelon-Eating Championship. I don't call it a job, dudes, I call it a motherfuckin Vocation.
xoxo nora
* Under pressure from Witness Relocation Agents mister nora and The Dude have utilised Full Head and Body Rubber Masks in this photograph. Any resemblence to actual people living or dead is purely a machiavellian conspiracy which will lead to your dreams shattered and your children dead. Cheques will not be honoured.
(Fuck me when did I get so motherfucking highbrow?)
(My site traffic is going to increase for sures now I have used the phrase "fucking la-di-da pussy in box stuffers"; I would like to extend a Warm Welcome to all the pornies amongst you.)
What was I saying?
(CONCENTRATE, MISTER NORA, YOU ADDLED FUCKING CUNTBRAINED HALFWIT.)
Ohhhhhh, yes. What I'm getting at is that these many months of Studying the Knowledge have all been in aid of me prancing joyously over the corpses of competitors as I dance on to win the Bluffs Run Casino World Smoked Pork Eating Championship!
Here's Me and the Dude (and also a Live Pork) enjoying my Total Victory!*
Now I'm starting intensive training to ensure triumph in the Swellin' with Melon Watermelon-Eating Championship. I don't call it a job, dudes, I call it a motherfuckin Vocation.
xoxo nora
* Under pressure from Witness Relocation Agents mister nora and The Dude have utilised Full Head and Body Rubber Masks in this photograph. Any resemblence to actual people living or dead is purely a machiavellian conspiracy which will lead to your dreams shattered and your children dead. Cheques will not be honoured.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Drink, etc.
Did you ever notice that wine in a box was the best thing ever invented? (except wine in, like, a barrel might be better, but they don’t sell that shit at my local BWS).
Barrels of wine, fuck that reminds me of Asterix and Obelix, who are CLEARLY TO BLAME form my Small* Drinking Problem. Who could read that fucking collection of fine literature as a young fuck and not get the lust for the drink in the veins? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO (okay maybe other people, whatever.)
Can I just say: comedy reviewers are for shit. I haven’t been Entertained much lately but here is the news from the last two to seven months:
- Dylan Moran: if it weren’t for my love for The Dude, your apparent love for your Wife and Children, and my extreme physical unattractiveness, you and me would be totally perfect for each other, for reals man.
- Prayerbabies: You make me want to cry………when you sing that song, because when I sing it I sound like a Goat (that is being fucked) (and not in the Vagina).
- Chopper: Dude you are Fucking Crazy, and not in a Good Way, get yourself a shrink already (P.S. and don’t shoot him/her in the knees/head).
- Ross Noble: you’re Probably Very Good, let’s find out?
Sorry, fuck, my brain has totally not been to the Mechanics for some time and could probably benefit from some tinkering and maybe a new fan belt.
xoxo nora
* Not Actually Small
Barrels of wine, fuck that reminds me of Asterix and Obelix, who are CLEARLY TO BLAME form my Small* Drinking Problem. Who could read that fucking collection of fine literature as a young fuck and not get the lust for the drink in the veins? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO (okay maybe other people, whatever.)
Can I just say: comedy reviewers are for shit. I haven’t been Entertained much lately but here is the news from the last two to seven months:
- Dylan Moran: if it weren’t for my love for The Dude, your apparent love for your Wife and Children, and my extreme physical unattractiveness, you and me would be totally perfect for each other, for reals man.
- Prayerbabies: You make me want to cry………when you sing that song, because when I sing it I sound like a Goat (that is being fucked) (and not in the Vagina).
- Chopper: Dude you are Fucking Crazy, and not in a Good Way, get yourself a shrink already (P.S. and don’t shoot him/her in the knees/head).
- Ross Noble: you’re Probably Very Good, let’s find out?
Sorry, fuck, my brain has totally not been to the Mechanics for some time and could probably benefit from some tinkering and maybe a new fan belt.
xoxo nora
* Not Actually Small
Monday, April 10, 2006
World Tour
You know each year when the weather starts to cool and the little leaf starts to flop to the ground like a sleepy fox, I think to myself "Fuck me, mister nora, you're nearly 3,000 years old and yet there are so many things left to do in the world, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER LADY!"
Obviously that's just crazy talk because WHAT THE FUCK? I'VE DONE EVERYTHING!
...and yet I've never visited the American Sanitary Plumbing Museum, Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum, the Sulahb Museum of Toilets, the Virtual Toilet Paper Museum, or the Museum of Menstruation.
So to cut to the chase, next week I'm taking the Pussycats and going on a Safari of Hygiene Related Museums.
xoxo nora
Obviously that's just crazy talk because WHAT THE FUCK? I'VE DONE EVERYTHING!
...and yet I've never visited the American Sanitary Plumbing Museum, Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum, the Sulahb Museum of Toilets, the Virtual Toilet Paper Museum, or the Museum of Menstruation.
So to cut to the chase, next week I'm taking the Pussycats and going on a Safari of Hygiene Related Museums.
xoxo nora
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Tinea House, you're mine.
Check it out, The Dude has found our perfect home. The description by the Estates of Realness dudes is the Best Eva, for sures:
A finer collection of early Victorian fungi, rodents and insects would be hard to find, kept safe by this controlled dark and damp environment.
The house is currently being considered for a Commonwealth vermin/fungi protection overlay which, if successful, will see the CSIRO physically removing the house from the block and reinstating it at the Royal Biological Museum in Canberra.
This offers a buyer a chance to build anew on a prime piece of Fitzroy land in the knowledge that this was once a site of great biological importance.
'Tinea House' resides on a corner allotment 5 m x 38 m between Nicholson Street and St.Georges Road opposite a lovely reserve and bike track.
"Archaeological Site"
15 RARE SPECIES OF MOULD, BATS, MICE AND COCKROACHES DATING BACK TO CIRCA 1910
15 RARE SPECIES OF MOULD, BATS, MICE AND COCKROACHES DATING BACK TO CIRCA 1910
A finer collection of early Victorian fungi, rodents and insects would be hard to find, kept safe by this controlled dark and damp environment.
The house is currently being considered for a Commonwealth vermin/fungi protection overlay which, if successful, will see the CSIRO physically removing the house from the block and reinstating it at the Royal Biological Museum in Canberra.
This offers a buyer a chance to build anew on a prime piece of Fitzroy land in the knowledge that this was once a site of great biological importance.
'Tinea House' resides on a corner allotment 5 m x 38 m between Nicholson Street and St.Georges Road opposite a lovely reserve and bike track.
How fucking much do you want to buy Tinea House?
If only I had more than $2.60 in my wallet and less than -$981359813951 on my credit card. Why is life so fucking hard? The Woe has moved into my heart, yes it has.
xoxo nora
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