but she's gone...

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ROACH?
Last seen Saturday October 29

- approx 2.5cm tall

- black jacket, brown eyes

- speaks French, answers to "Clacky Claudie"

- enjoys fine wine, twisties and cuban cigars

- will take clothes off for cash

Much missed by her family. If you know her whereabouts, please contact mister nora at couldireallybe@hotmail.com

REWARD OFFERED*

xoxox nora

* reward may be paid in kind

Arse end of the world no more!

Hey there, foreign friends!

I've just been appointed Marketing Manager at Melbourne City Council! You may remember me from such memorable commercials as "Lube Mobile: Lubey, lubey, lubey!" "The Tint Professor: The Best for Lesser" and "Big Kev: I'm excited!". I'm sure you're perched in dangerous proximity to the edge of your seat, wondering just what dynamic things I'm dreaming up for the Maybe-a-Little-Bit-Rainy-But-Totally-Sunnier-than-it's-Cracked-Up-To-Be City, and as my loyal fans and heaters, I'm going to bless you with an exclusive insight into one of the super-fuckin-grouse promotional initiatives I've recently instigated in this formerly two-bit town.

If you care to dispatch yourself to our shores, disembark from the spitfire at the Conveniently Located and Aesthetically Glorious Melbourne Airport, tally ho!, be sure not to miss a ride in one of our modern, streamlined Skybuses (with real engines, not horses!!). Attached to your ticket, you will find a very special list of Goodies on Offer to the enterprising tourist. Fun things you can excite yourself with as the VIP holder of a Skybus ticket include:

Souvenir Tram with Metcard Purchase*
Belgians, Germans, Estonians: I know some people think you're the dagged out cousins of those sanctimonious French cunts with their je ne sais quois and their savoir faire and their le snak and so on, but what would get you in with the it-crowd and arouse the envy of the monied European establishment better than your very own miniature tram! I put it to you: NOTHING!!!
* Limit 1 per customer.

2 for 1 Short Stack at the Pancake Parlour
Take advantage of this offer at such fine boutique shopping strips as Forest Hill Chase, Northlands Shopping Centre and Doncaster Road, Doncaster! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THIS MUCH FUN AGAIN.

Complementary Drink at PJ O'Brien's Irish Pub
Come and savour the unique atmosphere, delicacy and sophistication for which Irish Theme Bars are famous throughout the world! Be vomited on by A Real Australian! Fellas, drink 20 pints of Guinness and get your nads bruised in a Genuine Australian (Irish themed) Bar Brawl! Ladies, get felt up by boys who call you "Sheila" WHEN IT'S NOT ACTUALLY YOUR NAME!!! HAHA! SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE!

10% Discount & Free Shooter Drink at Draculas Theatre Restaurant
Make sure you wear the brown undies for this one! Scares aplenty are in store for you at this avant garde cultural phenomenon. And if granny suffers a little heart attack when lewd vampires gnash their teeth and motion toward her groinal area, you get the BONUS of experiencing a Quaint Australian Hospital Waiting Room while granny gets her ribs broken by a amphetamine riddled Intern. Keepin it real with the locals, bro!

And as if these AMAZING DISCOUNT OFFERS weren't enough, you also get...

Buy One Get One Free ticket to the AFL Hall of Fame and Sensation
How could you miss out on "a visitor experience that will take you on a football adventure!" Remember, befuddled foreign visitors, AFL is just like YOUR football only with heaps more FAME and a lot more SENSATION, and of course it's quite a bit gayer.*

* dear ESL guests, in this context 'gayer' refers to 'shittier'**, not more foppish
** to clarify, 'shittier' refers to 'not as good', not to the aftermath of of too much drillin for vegemite.


So, kids, come on down to marvellous Melbourne! WHAT ARE YOU FUCKEN WAITING FOR?

xoxox nora

when yer fella gets all jetsettin on your ass

... you have 3 weeks alone in the house. except for the cats, who will eat you if you die.

what to do?

a) LESBIAN HOUSE PARTY!!!!
if only they weren't all so uggers (dude relaxxx, like i say that in a fully ironic politically erect kind of way, totally. and you know i'm right. chill.)

b) EAT SELF TO DEATH!!!!
think how those pussies are going to enjoy feasting on your bloated blue cheese filled corpsicule. do it for the kiddies.

c) MASTURBATE!!!!!
hairy palms, blindness. whatev's, bro. if its good enough for chrissy amphlett, it's good enough for me.

d) SHIT IN THE SALAD BOWL!!!
AHAHAHAA! He'll never know!!!

e) TURN YOUR SHARED PIECE OF THE AUSTRALIAN DREAM INTO A CRACK DEN FULL OF CHILD WHORES AND LAP DANCING MONKEYS!!!
if you can't source a reliable band of lap dancing monkeys, the elaphantine cockroach that crawled across the bath while you were shaving your legs this morning sure had a saucy swing to her step.

f) INVITE OVER THE TEAM FROM BACKYARD BLITZ!!!!!
you know he's always secretly wanted a patio.* you know you've always secretly wanted jamie drurie.**

g) DRINK!!!!! DRINK LIKE YOU....always do.
good choice, pumpkin.


xooxox nora

* like a dart through the testicle
** like a throatful of tony abbott

this is where i want to be right now

a little prick

i had friends, once, who would say to me: 'mister nora, my friend, you are always going out with the yukky boys. me, i am alone, my hymen intact and my panties perpetually dry. where do i go to lower my standards?'

they have long since settled down with shabby men so no longer need my advice, which is why it is rude and unhelpful of me to now finally reveal the place where i met my first unpleasant bang.

you must picture the scene. close your eyes. put on the gentle whale song. relax. touch yourself a little.


I SAID A LITTLE!

now.

it's mid afternoon. it's the eastern suburbs, the smell of grey hearts and bank balances wafts through the streets, and your parents are getting a divorce, again. your neighbour has just won a bmw in a raffle; but your neighbour already had a bmw. you've come from your job where you get paid $12.50 an hour for cleaning shit and vomit from the underpants of elderly folk ridden with malice, bedsores and ennui, and what you've earned today will just cover the cost of the strongbows and midouri that you'll drink in the park next weekend with your friends. next weekend, you'll lie in the grass and think of england while three metres away your best friend Belinda vomits bright green streaks into a manufactured concrete billabong. but today, you're wearing a hairy brown cardigan and a jaundiced white t-shirt, your jeans are two sizes too big, and the man you're meeting is wearing a leather vest. at the train station, the underpass leaks and the sparks fly. he's a truck driver, he's sporting a goatee, and girl, you'll be a woman soon.

does it make it more or less distasteful if i reveal that i first met him in an internet chatroom?

you're right, sweetness. more.

xoxox nora

tell me cuando? cuando? cuando?

Sometimes it's hard to know when it's the right time to pulverise your oldest friend. Breakfast is like out because dude that's vegemite and tetley time, don't mess with that, brunch is for fucking fatties, and anywhere between 1pm and 7pm I'm occupied with fingernails and snow peas. Dawn would be okay, all peaceful and sleepy and bigtime fucked up on barbituates, but I'm leaning towards that gentle hour or so after supper, when the chicken crests have had time to settle but I'm not yet ready for bed.

Reasons to pulverise your oldest friend include:
1. to fully road test the guarantee on your new George Foreman CUT THE FAT! meat grinder
2. because she fucked and ate your 4 month old cocker spaniel pup
3. because you you need more protein in your diet
4. because she waxed her own snatch but failed to shave under her arms
5. because wakes for the tragically young are So Hot Right Now, Yo!
6. because WHY THE FUCK NOT

I pick All of the Above?

xoxoox nora